To: [Those with reason to care]
From: [Taking the easy way out]
Subject: Anticipating a new arrival
So my father called to inform me my half-sister shall be arriving shortly.
Whilst in the past I have found her quite an amusing individual to whom I literally owe my life, I took the precaution of glancing through social media and have identified certain . . . differences. This comes directly on the heels of notice that Wanda, who as of this morning I had been given reason to mourn, shall be arriving shortly.
With all due respect to the fabric of reality, I think that is quite enough for me.
Tomorrow I shall, if you will excuse my language, be fucking off to (one of) the family home(s) in Brisbane. Having ascertained we do indeed own the usual property, I extend to all an invitation to join me. My mother, heartless capitalist though she is, remains a wealthy heartless capitalist and has consented to pay the way for any who wish to join me. So Jen, if you feel so inclined to extend your impromptu vacation, I more than welcome you to exercise your right as a small business owner and do so.
I apologise for the abruptness of this announcement. However, I confess that I would like to see my parents. I am as surprised as anyone. Nonetheless, there it is. It will allow me time to get some things straight as well, which already looks to be rather necessary.
If you would like to join me in my shameless retreat from reality please do not hesitate to contact me, either now or on some future date. Consider it an open invitation.
In the meantime, I shall be packing.