To: Madrox, Jamie From: Dane, Lorna Subject: I think you have too much fun with those nicknames.
I didn't realize that I spent that much time cleaning up after you. Am I really that obsessive about the kitchen? (Actually, you don't have to answer that. I'm well aware of how obsessive I am when it comes to food and food related things. It comes with the territory.) Avoiding the kitchens has nothing to do with my anorexia. In some ways, cooking was my best defense. No one questions your eating habits when you're the one prepping the food. Cooking lessons were the worst turn ever done to me, in some ways. I can't get away from knowing exactly what I'm eating. I'm encyclopedic on calorie counts.
The frustrating thing is that I know that it's not healthy to think the way I do. But there's a disconnect. Putting food in front of me won't solve it. It's not a problem of economy. I starve because I'm incapable of allowing myself to do otherwise. Forcing myself to eat will make me ill. 200 calories at one meal and I feel like a pig. Heck, even looking at that number, thinking about allowing myself that much, is making me feel guilty.
Right now, I think what I need most from you guys is to hold me accountable. Don't let me tell you I'm not hungry. Of course, I'm hungry. I've spent years being hungry. Tell me I need to eat. But let me feed myself. I have to be the one in control of this.
no subject
From: Dane, Lorna
Subject: I think you have too much fun with those nicknames.
I didn't realize that I spent that much time cleaning up after you. Am I really that obsessive about the kitchen? (Actually, you don't have to answer that. I'm well aware of how obsessive I am when it comes to food and food related things. It comes with the territory.) Avoiding the kitchens has nothing to do with my anorexia. In some ways, cooking was my best defense. No one questions your eating habits when you're the one prepping the food. Cooking lessons were the worst turn ever done to me, in some ways. I can't get away from knowing exactly what I'm eating. I'm encyclopedic on calorie counts.
The frustrating thing is that I know that it's not healthy to think the way I do. But there's a disconnect. Putting food in front of me won't solve it. It's not a problem of economy. I starve because I'm incapable of allowing myself to do otherwise. Forcing myself to eat will make me ill. 200 calories at one meal and I feel like a pig. Heck, even looking at that number, thinking about allowing myself that much, is making me feel guilty.
Right now, I think what I need most from you guys is to hold me accountable. Don't let me tell you I'm not hungry. Of course, I'm hungry. I've spent years being hungry. Tell me I need to eat. But let me feed myself. I have to be the one in control of this.
And yeah, thanks.
--Lorna