E-mail to Amanda

[x-skin.livejournal.com]

To: [little sister]
From: [big brother]



Amanda,

I don't think Rahne meant that we can't ever make up for what we've done. What she was trying to get at was that we're all already saved if we only want to be - that's the whole point of the Crucifixion, that He took our sins on his shoulders - and that means that if we can completely atone, it's saying there was no need for Him to do that. But that's no reason not to try.

I'm not sure I believe the same things she does, and I know you're not religious and all this is a matter of faith. But she didn't mean we can't be forgiven, either way. And I'm probably explaining this wrong, so I'll just forward you some e-mails between me and Rahne last night. I hope it helps you understand.

Angelo

Comments

Subject: Bad day yesterday

[xp_daytripper]

To: [big brother]
From: [little sister]

I'm going to sit on the part of me that is saying "yay, God's forgiven me. One problem, I'm pagan and by most religious standards I'd be burned at the stake a couple of hundred years ago". 'Cause I know it's important to you.

'S just... I'm trying so bloody hard, Ange, and sometimes it seems I'm getting somewhere, and then I get stressed and tired and all I want to do is get off me face. It's so much harder this time - sometimes I wonder if maybe I should just get Pete to take me back to Rom and get her to do the cleansing ritual again. Only that's taking the easy way out.

I'm not a good person Ange. There's stuff I done when I was with Rack, and stuff I done after, before I came here, that was cruel and mean and set out to hurt people deliberately. There's stuff that I done here that I'm not proud of, not just the love potion - I knew what had happened to Lorna, and I didn't say anything, and went back to Manny even though I knew what he'd done. I have to believe people can change, that you can make up for what you've done in the past, because otherwise I have to live with the fact that I'm what Rack made me.

It's more than the scars, Ange. It's the magic he taught me, the spells he used me for. And yeah, I was just a kid and didn't choose to be used like that, but the magic doesn't consider that. That's why there's the threefold rule. I was the focus for a hell of a lot dark magic, and I don't know if it's had a permanent effect on me, but sometimes, when I'm at my lowest, I can't help think that maybe it has. And the addiction makes me just that much more vulnerable to it.

Last night was one of thsoe times. This morning things are a bit better. The sun's shining, the cravings aren't so bad, and I watched Dogma with Terry last night. So things aren't looking so black as they were. But I still have to believe that there's something I can do to change things, otherwise I might as well have gone off the roof that night.

A.

Re: Subject: Bad day yesterday

[x-skin.livejournal.com]

It's not necessarily a religious thing - one of the things Paul told me yesterday is that the most important might well be forgiving ourselves.

It's a struggle, I know. It always is. You think I don't have days where all I want is to find a bottle of something and drink the lot, so I can stop thinking for awhile? But I don't do that, and you don't get high, and we're winning. We are.

Like Nathan said in his post, maybe we can't make up for what we've done, in those words. In a way, you're lucky - you have a chance of getting forgiveness from the ones you hurt. But what we can both do, whatever happens, is keep moving forward. Be better people.

If there's any justice to the threefold rule, Rack's burning in whatever kind of hell you believe in right now. You were the focus, not the caster.

Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Past can't be changed, but we can make the future better. If you'd gone off the roof, you wouldn't even have that chance, would you?

Angelo

Re: Subject: Bad day yesterday

[xp_daytripper]

I never said I was the only one having a hard time. _Never_. But I needed to explain why I reacted the way I did. I never meant to give you the impression that you don't have it as hard as me.

I hope we're winning. Sometimes I think I am. And then I have a day like yesterday and it all falls in a heap again. But I have to keep trying, because otherwise Rack's won, and I won't let that be the case, _ever_.

A.

Re: Subject: Bad day yesterday

[x-skin.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, that's not what I meant. Just trying to say... you're not alone. To quote Paul, there's more than one of us here walking through the shadow on our own time.

The bad days always come every once in awhile, but they always go away again too. Everyone needs something to cling to, to get them through, and not letting Rack win is as good a thing as any. Hold on to that with both hands.

Angelo

Subject: Words.

[xp_daytripper]

I just can't seem to say what I mean today, and I'm upsetting everyone I care about. I think I should just do what I said I was going to do and get away from this damn machine and go get some fresh air. Christ, I wish I could just get away from this insanity for just a day or two.

A.

Subject: Words can be hard, yeah.

[x-skin.livejournal.com]

You haven't upset me. I promise. But you do what you need to do - I'll be here if you need company. I hope I didn't upset you, either? 'Cause I never meant to.

Angelo