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xp_communication2004-02-21 03:11 pm
x-crowdofone.livejournal.com) wrote in xp_communication2004-02-21 03:11 pm
Letter to Kitty, after Jamie's therapy session
Delivered by hand, as he's curling up next to her and falling asleep, with instructions that it isn't to be opened until he is asleep.
Dear Kitty,
I love you. And I think that's the best way to start a letter ever, so if I ever write you any more I think I'll start them the same way. The reason I'm writing this one, though, and why I said don't open it until I fall asleep (which I hope I did right away, that would be good) is, well, there's some things it's easier to write down than say, because I tend to babble.
You know that thing I do, that I said I'd work on, where sometimes it's really hard for me to ask for help? I did it again. Dr. Samson told me--or, well, actually, got me to tell myself, really--that I've been letting myself get so wrapped up in making sure you and Doug were okay that I haven't been making sure I'm okay, and I haven't let anybody help me because then I'd have to stop, and as long as I kept moving I felt like I could make everything better somehow, and I didn't have time to think.
I'm asking for help now. I need you, I need you to keep me balanced--right now I don't think I'd have enough sense to come in out of the rain if there was half a chance you or Doug needed an umbrella, and I can't go on like that. I need someone to tell me when to let go, to catch me when I fall. I need you. I love you. I don't tell you that enough. I could spend the rest of my life telling you, and still not be enough.
And now I'm going to finish this, and come find you and give it to you, and then I'm going to let go. Please don't wait up for me--I don't know how much sleep you think I've been getting this week, but it's less than that, so I don't know when I'll wake up. Tomorrow would be a good bet. Just stay with me for a while, and then go do what you have to do--and don't forget to eat--and look in on me every so often, and come back when it's time for you to sleep. If you're not here when I wake up, that's okay, I'll find you like I always do, and we'll take care of each other, the way it's supposed to be.
All my love,
Jamie
Dear Kitty,
I love you. And I think that's the best way to start a letter ever, so if I ever write you any more I think I'll start them the same way. The reason I'm writing this one, though, and why I said don't open it until I fall asleep (which I hope I did right away, that would be good) is, well, there's some things it's easier to write down than say, because I tend to babble.
You know that thing I do, that I said I'd work on, where sometimes it's really hard for me to ask for help? I did it again. Dr. Samson told me--or, well, actually, got me to tell myself, really--that I've been letting myself get so wrapped up in making sure you and Doug were okay that I haven't been making sure I'm okay, and I haven't let anybody help me because then I'd have to stop, and as long as I kept moving I felt like I could make everything better somehow, and I didn't have time to think.
I'm asking for help now. I need you, I need you to keep me balanced--right now I don't think I'd have enough sense to come in out of the rain if there was half a chance you or Doug needed an umbrella, and I can't go on like that. I need someone to tell me when to let go, to catch me when I fall. I need you. I love you. I don't tell you that enough. I could spend the rest of my life telling you, and still not be enough.
And now I'm going to finish this, and come find you and give it to you, and then I'm going to let go. Please don't wait up for me--I don't know how much sleep you think I've been getting this week, but it's less than that, so I don't know when I'll wake up. Tomorrow would be a good bet. Just stay with me for a while, and then go do what you have to do--and don't forget to eat--and look in on me every so often, and come back when it's time for you to sleep. If you're not here when I wake up, that's okay, I'll find you like I always do, and we'll take care of each other, the way it's supposed to be.
All my love,
Jamie