Email to Amanda Sefton

[x-cypher.livejournal.com]

To: [Secret Den Mother]
From: [Human Decoder Ring]
Subject: Not blaming you

Amanda-

Figured I'd take a stab at this via email. Honestly, with the whole 'Doc Mactaggart's dress' thing, part of it was me being a bit over-embarassed for effect, although looking at the picture of your doctor (and one of your teacher's girlfriends) and having the reaction "Hel-LO, cleavage!" can be a little throwing. At least when you're me. And yeah, a little bit of the wiggins has to do with Marie, although I have a lot more faith in Nathan's ability to handle things well rather than make threats. I mean, hell, I could practically tell he was laughing his ass off from the comments he made.

But anyways, the point of this email is this. I do NOT blame you. Never have, never will. Like I told you, I blame Kwannon. (And I didn't want to put this in comments because I know Ms. Braddock is still having kind of a hard time with that whole mess) And nobody in their right mind could possibly blame you for Marie going to Canada. But I think you do, and I'm not really sure why. Em had her reasons for going, some of which had to do with Logan, and she _will_ come back. So you shouldn't blame yourself or feel like you caused her to leave.

Honestly, I was fine (if a touch embarassed over my reaction to Doc Mactaggart's dress) until you went back on the blaming yourself kick. Now I'm worried about you. :-/

Anyways, hope the British Isles are as lovely as they were when I got to go, hope Manuel is doing well, and hope whatever he claims as forfeit for drinking you under the table isn't _too_ bad. ;-)

-Doug

Comments

Re: Subject: It's not about other people blaming me

[xp_daytripper]

To: [Doug]
From: [trouble]


Like I said, it's not that I don't believe you when you say you don't blame me, or anyone else for that matter. It's that I can't help blaming myself, every time I get reminded that I hurt people with that, and it's still hurting people. Every time I realise that it's still fucking people up, I can't help but feel responsible for that, and that won't go away, no matter how many healing spells I do to make up for it.

I couldn't tell you weren't serious about that reaction - well, I figured you were just being silly until I read that bit about teachers and crushes and then I realised there was some serious in there, and it was the stuff that I'd done.

Marie leaving... See, this is the thing. Before the potion, she was happier and stronger and then afterwards she was so broken, and she never really bounced back, and that's my fault. You can't deny that she wasn't the same afterwards, and it might not be all my fault, but there's a good chunk there that is. And then stuff piled up on her, and a lot of it was me with the addiction being a problem, and then Mexico, and then she left. And I didn't get a chance to talk to her beforehand, she was so busy with everything else, and I figured she was pissed off at me as well for the Mexico thing.

I'm okay. Guilt's a new thing for me, and I had Romany giving me a bollocking that day for pushing myself too hard with the healing, which puts me back in the same place of how the fuck do I fix this. I don't know how, and just when I think I can put it behind me and forget about it, something happens, like that thread, and I'm reminded that it's not all better.

And hey, I'm going around in circles again. I s'pose this is something I need to talk to Samson about. Again.

Any way, we're in Amsterdam, hanging around with Domino and the rest of Nate's mates. It's been interesting, even by my standards. Hope you're enjoying your hols and the Frenchie is keeping you busy. *grins*

A.