Email to Charles
Sep. 15th, 2004 07:13 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
x-cyclops.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
xp_communicationTo: Charles
From: Scott
Subject: you probably know what this is about...
In fact, I'm not really sure what I'm doing emailing you instead of coming and knocking at your door. But I suppose that's been part of the problem all along, and besides, I think maybe I need a little distance to organize my thoughts before I come knocking. I don't know. Me chasing my mental tail is also part of the problem.
I have been developing this rather significant problem with... knowing where one thing stops and another begins. Boundaries, I guess. I feel like I'm too many people in one body sometimes. There's Cyclops, and in a sense he's easy. But then there's Scott the friend, Scott the brother, Scott the teacher... I could go on. I know I'm missing one in particular that I can't quite bring myself to put on the list because I've done a singularly miserable job at being that particular Scott.
I'm sitting here now, after having spent part of the day trying to put those boundaries down on paper and get all the different Scotts categorized in my head on the basis of what they're supposed to be doing, what they are doing, what they're not doing. It's like math that should all add up but it doesn't. In fact, the equations kind of hurt. I'm sitting here, looking at all these lists, seeing in so many places where I went wrong, and I'm not sure what's worse - the places where I can look back and see how it happened, that it was my conscious decision, or the places where even in hindsight there didn't seem to be any right way to go.
And now I'm rambling.
I suppose I should have just stuck to the official apology for my behavior. Can we say I did? Because I am sorry - for the behavior, for the arguments that it created. I'm not supposed to be adding to the chaos level around here. I am supposed to be a role model, and I blew it quite comprehensively. I will be working with Madelyn to put together that seminar Haroun suggested, if you think that would be an appropriate response. If it's appropriate but not sufficient, I'm at your disposal to hear what else needs to be done, of course.
I've had a number of people trying to convince me that this wasn't a disastrous mistake. I think I can believe that - although if you want to tell me differently, there's still a part of me that thinks that it was, so I'll be easy to convince. But it just feels like one mistake too many, and the fact that it came because I threw control away with both hands in a situation where I had no business doing that in the first place is not going to stop bothering me, I think. I suppose at the very least, I did it, which is an improvement in a perverse sort of way. The crimes of omission are the ones which have really been getting to me.
Scott
From: Scott
Subject: you probably know what this is about...
In fact, I'm not really sure what I'm doing emailing you instead of coming and knocking at your door. But I suppose that's been part of the problem all along, and besides, I think maybe I need a little distance to organize my thoughts before I come knocking. I don't know. Me chasing my mental tail is also part of the problem.
I have been developing this rather significant problem with... knowing where one thing stops and another begins. Boundaries, I guess. I feel like I'm too many people in one body sometimes. There's Cyclops, and in a sense he's easy. But then there's Scott the friend, Scott the brother, Scott the teacher... I could go on. I know I'm missing one in particular that I can't quite bring myself to put on the list because I've done a singularly miserable job at being that particular Scott.
I'm sitting here now, after having spent part of the day trying to put those boundaries down on paper and get all the different Scotts categorized in my head on the basis of what they're supposed to be doing, what they are doing, what they're not doing. It's like math that should all add up but it doesn't. In fact, the equations kind of hurt. I'm sitting here, looking at all these lists, seeing in so many places where I went wrong, and I'm not sure what's worse - the places where I can look back and see how it happened, that it was my conscious decision, or the places where even in hindsight there didn't seem to be any right way to go.
And now I'm rambling.
I suppose I should have just stuck to the official apology for my behavior. Can we say I did? Because I am sorry - for the behavior, for the arguments that it created. I'm not supposed to be adding to the chaos level around here. I am supposed to be a role model, and I blew it quite comprehensively. I will be working with Madelyn to put together that seminar Haroun suggested, if you think that would be an appropriate response. If it's appropriate but not sufficient, I'm at your disposal to hear what else needs to be done, of course.
I've had a number of people trying to convince me that this wasn't a disastrous mistake. I think I can believe that - although if you want to tell me differently, there's still a part of me that thinks that it was, so I'll be easy to convince. But it just feels like one mistake too many, and the fact that it came because I threw control away with both hands in a situation where I had no business doing that in the first place is not going to stop bothering me, I think. I suppose at the very least, I did it, which is an improvement in a perverse sort of way. The crimes of omission are the ones which have really been getting to me.
Scott
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}