email to Jim

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to: Haller, Jim
from: Ferguson, Clarice
subj: do you take requests?

I hear you give stupid parents a good thwaping when they need it. can I bribe you with cookings/sewing/undying gratitude to do it again? I have a mother in serious need of a good thwapping. or, barring that, a brain transplant.

Clarice

Comments

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To: [Ferguson, Clarice]
From: [Haller, David]
Subject: re:do you take requests?

Um . . . it depends on the situation, honestly. I try to avoid actual physical violence when possible, though I'm not above the occasional verbal smack. What's the problem?

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It's nothing new. My Mom is just a total loser. More than the average parent but less than Nathan's. She's doing one of her periodic "I care" attempts right now which is always unappreciated since she doesn't really care.

Clarice

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If she doesn't, then why would she bother?

What brought this on, the situation with college?

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She married a guy who hates mutants. Obviously, she doesn't care about me if she would do something like that. Save the lobsters, don't eat meat, trees have feelings, but discriminate against mutants? Against her own daughter? I DON'T THINK SO.

And yeah, college. She called and was all "I'm getting your room together for you for when you come home for college!"...wtf? I am home now! and even if I _did _ go to Cornell (over my dead body!) I would not be living with her!

Clarice

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Like all traits, prejudice is only one facet of a human being. Maybe for your mother your step-father's good qualities outweighed the bad. (Do you agree with every one of Shiro's views, for instance?)

I'm not saying that doesn't raise some questions about your mother's priorities, but to be honest . . . when push comes to shove, people tend to make the choice most beneficial for themself. That's just human nature. For her, maybe the possibility of alienating her daughter was more bearable than the certainty of life without the man she loved. That doesn't make it right, but it may explain why she can apparently act the way she does.

Have you confronted her on the issue of your step-father and how her decision seems to you? It sounds as if she either doesn't see or won't acknowledge that her marriage has changed your relationship, and if she's still laboring under the delusion that you're perfectly fine with the idea of living under the same roof with her husband I think initiating a change will have to be be up to you.

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so THIS is why they made you the school counselor. and here I was thinking that it went to the person who didn't say "not it" fast enough.

I don't talk to my mother if I can avoid it and it works pretty well for me. generally, that prevents screaming.

Clarice

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so THIS is why they made you the school counselor. and here I was thinking that it went to the person who didn't say "not it" fast enough.

Funny, that seemed to be general consensus among the staff, too.

While avoiding the issue definitely makes for less screaming arguments, it'll also result in more annoying and persistant incidents like "Come home and live in great discomfort with us," which I doubt is stress you really need at this point. Obviously your mother has her own concept of reality to work from, but she won't really understand your point of view until you approach her as an adult and equal. Right now, it seems like she thinks of you as "Clarice, my daughter," when she should be thinking of you as "Clarice, the human being with her own life and opinions." However, by avoiding her you're only reinforcing this viewpoint; she can't think about what she doesn't know. The screaming probably doesn't help.

Have you tried explaining the hows and whys of your situation in a letter or via email? Writing is a good way to lay out your argument, and has the benefit of a) being impossible to interrupt, and b) allowing you to be a very long ways away from the recipient while you're making your case. Not that you're likely to have a problem with distance, but it's an idea.

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took you up on your idea to write her something. it won't bridge all the issues, but it does tackle this immediate one.

right now I've sent an email to her that goes something like "you want me to live with your mutant-phobic husband? Are you out of your mind?"

that was as polite as I could make it. the previous drafts were MUCH worse.

Clarice

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There's nothing wrong in starting small. At the very least you're opening up a dialogue.

I applaud your restraint at making multiple drafts, given the subject. I'm particularly impressed by the (apparent) lack of profanity. Profanity should be saved for the important arguments. It's much more effective when they don't see it coming.

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you missed the six months where I tried not to swear. that REALLY didn't work. but I tried!

...and I don't swear nearly as much as I used to.

thanks,
Clarice