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Apr. 30th, 2010 03:21 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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xp_communicationJean-Paul,
I’m no good with stories. I’m not really any good with words at all but I’ve got no pictures this time. I don’t have anything pretty to draw you out of stuff that isn’t pretty.
I had a boyfriend once. He liked buttons. Mostly he liked to push mine. Pushing was a big thing for him. He’d push buttons, he’d push anything. He’d push and he’d push until I snapped and he either got what he wanted or got words that are too rude to try to repeat. He wasn’t big on subtle and I don’t think he ever learned to understand quiet answers. I always had to be loud with answers. I’m not a loud person and that’s not just the way I talk. It’s just me.
Eventually he decided he was done with me. But people always want what they don’t have, right? So when he didn’t have me he wanted me. I kept telling him no and he kept pushing. It was friendship then that he wanted but I kept saying no. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t know how. My heart was broken but that wasn’t really the worst part of it. He’d walked out so I didn’t explain anything to him. I don’t much like talking about the stuff I probably should. That’s why the therapist I need to see by court order works in art therapy.
See, while he was pushing to take back part of what he threw away I was trying really, really hard to control myself. I was trying real hard to keep my hands to myself, in gloves and off of things that would die just because I touched them. He never understood quiet things so he didn’t get that when I pinned him against a wall with my arm across his throat it was because I wanted him to shut up and go away so I didn’t go and kiss him and take most of his face off in the process. He didn’t listen when I told him to go so maybe violence would do it, right? I wanted him but I wanted to destroy him a lot more.
I finally told someone that night about my mutation and how I’d gotten addicted to it. It’s like pulling life out of something. And it feels good. It feels really good, actually, and I got hooked on that high without knowing what was going on until I wanted to watch my ex turn to ashes. I still wake up from nightmares of killing my dad but there I was wanting to make it happen to someone else.
The court says I’m a danger to society. I go see a therapist because they say I’ve got to. I train with my mutation to try to learn control because they say I’ve got to. They don’t know about me ever getting addicted. They don’t get that the control I’ve learned will let me skin a man alive and he won’t even feel it much when it happens. They don’t get that I could decay your brain through your ear or your eye and that I could like how it makes me feel.
People don’t tell alcoholics to take a shot of their favorite alcohol at least a couple times a week. They don’t tell heroin addicts that one more syringe is okay. Because people backslide. When you’re an addict one time could mean it’s all over. Self-control and the ability to say no, it could all be gone. And here I am playing with the only addiction I’ve ever known because if I don’t I’ll never get to leave the country without the FBI’s permission. I can’t go out of state without Professor Xavier’s permission. I can’t leave for more than three consecutive days without permission. Unless I learn control.
Do you have any idea what kind of monster I could be with control?
Sociopaths are the ones who like hurting people, right? So is that what my mutation makes me, a sociopath?
I guess the point of all this was to explain that you’re not the only one who has to deal with not wanting to hurt people. The difference is your memories of hurting people and liking it aren’t real. And at least I know you don’t think that about me because there were no memories of me for Shrine to mess with. You don’t get that comfort with me.
Sure you don’t want to run yet? Because I’m not running, but I really think you should. I’m a bigger danger than you are. Even the FBI says so. I ain’t ever leaving if you stay, but what kind of monster do you want staying with you? I know this is supposed to be an official-type thing we've got here, but I won't hold it against you if you leave now. You can't make an informed choice if you don't have full-disclosure, right?
Kevin
I’m no good with stories. I’m not really any good with words at all but I’ve got no pictures this time. I don’t have anything pretty to draw you out of stuff that isn’t pretty.
I had a boyfriend once. He liked buttons. Mostly he liked to push mine. Pushing was a big thing for him. He’d push buttons, he’d push anything. He’d push and he’d push until I snapped and he either got what he wanted or got words that are too rude to try to repeat. He wasn’t big on subtle and I don’t think he ever learned to understand quiet answers. I always had to be loud with answers. I’m not a loud person and that’s not just the way I talk. It’s just me.
Eventually he decided he was done with me. But people always want what they don’t have, right? So when he didn’t have me he wanted me. I kept telling him no and he kept pushing. It was friendship then that he wanted but I kept saying no. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t know how. My heart was broken but that wasn’t really the worst part of it. He’d walked out so I didn’t explain anything to him. I don’t much like talking about the stuff I probably should. That’s why the therapist I need to see by court order works in art therapy.
See, while he was pushing to take back part of what he threw away I was trying really, really hard to control myself. I was trying real hard to keep my hands to myself, in gloves and off of things that would die just because I touched them. He never understood quiet things so he didn’t get that when I pinned him against a wall with my arm across his throat it was because I wanted him to shut up and go away so I didn’t go and kiss him and take most of his face off in the process. He didn’t listen when I told him to go so maybe violence would do it, right? I wanted him but I wanted to destroy him a lot more.
I finally told someone that night about my mutation and how I’d gotten addicted to it. It’s like pulling life out of something. And it feels good. It feels really good, actually, and I got hooked on that high without knowing what was going on until I wanted to watch my ex turn to ashes. I still wake up from nightmares of killing my dad but there I was wanting to make it happen to someone else.
The court says I’m a danger to society. I go see a therapist because they say I’ve got to. I train with my mutation to try to learn control because they say I’ve got to. They don’t know about me ever getting addicted. They don’t get that the control I’ve learned will let me skin a man alive and he won’t even feel it much when it happens. They don’t get that I could decay your brain through your ear or your eye and that I could like how it makes me feel.
People don’t tell alcoholics to take a shot of their favorite alcohol at least a couple times a week. They don’t tell heroin addicts that one more syringe is okay. Because people backslide. When you’re an addict one time could mean it’s all over. Self-control and the ability to say no, it could all be gone. And here I am playing with the only addiction I’ve ever known because if I don’t I’ll never get to leave the country without the FBI’s permission. I can’t go out of state without Professor Xavier’s permission. I can’t leave for more than three consecutive days without permission. Unless I learn control.
Do you have any idea what kind of monster I could be with control?
Sociopaths are the ones who like hurting people, right? So is that what my mutation makes me, a sociopath?
I guess the point of all this was to explain that you’re not the only one who has to deal with not wanting to hurt people. The difference is your memories of hurting people and liking it aren’t real. And at least I know you don’t think that about me because there were no memories of me for Shrine to mess with. You don’t get that comfort with me.
Sure you don’t want to run yet? Because I’m not running, but I really think you should. I’m a bigger danger than you are. Even the FBI says so. I ain’t ever leaving if you stay, but what kind of monster do you want staying with you? I know this is supposed to be an official-type thing we've got here, but I won't hold it against you if you leave now. You can't make an informed choice if you don't have full-disclosure, right?
Kevin
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