Email to Paige

[x-rogue.livejournal.com]

to: [due south]
from: [sin]
subject: Wench.

I guess it's better that your letter made me cry at work instead of at home where Logan would be asking questions. He's in the building, but I won't see him until dinner, if he gets out of meetings. For one thing, I know not everyone's okay there, I know all about Columbia. So. Yeah, everything's normal but not everyone's okay.

I can't believe you said Logan was being a gigantic dork. That made me laugh right out loud (only time I laughed, promise). He is, but I love him so much it's like gravity's gone wonky when he's not around. It's horrible, Paige. If I could just be a little less stupid over him, maybe things would be easier.

I do kind of know the people I work with. But I feel so /young/ here, Paige. No one says it out loud but you can hear it in their voices that they think I'm too young for fieldwork (and too young for their friend, no less). The beta group doesn't really do fieldwork. Training and minor stuff only. A lot of training. It's really good, but I'm scared I'm losing my edge a little, not getting to get out there like Logan does. I'm too young for them and I'm worried that time's passing me by. I make so much sense.

And... I don't want a baby now. I don't think. Or. Well, if it happened, I'd be so happy, but it can't and never will, see? I'm never going to get that. I'm trying to be okay with it and it's not working and I can't even talk about it. Maybe I am too young, but I was too young already for everything that's happened. And in my head, I'm not young. In my family, I'm not young either, for this kind of thing. Sharon was my age when she had me. I didn't choose to grow up too fast, Paige, it just happened.

I want to be normal. Maybe even a family. That's what I want. So not happening.

Maybe I'll come visit some time, I'll see if I can get time off. I'm already taking vacation days to go to Toronto with Julie and Mark and Nadia. She's having testing and they're really freaked about it. I'm going so that I can watch her while they go to some seminar for parents of mutants. I asked Angelo if he wanted to come hang out since they said I could invite a friend and he seemed like the right person for the occasion. He'll bring back proof that Nadia is the most perfect baby ever.

I don't know if I could get Logan to come visit. I mean, if I pushed, he'd come. But I don't know how he'd feel, and I don't want him to have to be where he's not comfortable. He's not 'my man', Paige. He's not anybody's. He loves me but he doesn't belong to me, and I really feel that so much now. There's a difference, you know. I just... sometimes I feel like he's still just taking care of me and... bleah.

Nevermind. I'm off on that tangent again, and it's only because we almost never see each other and it's weird when we're together, trying to remember how we fit into the same space. Like we turn things off so we don't hurt being apart and then can't turn them back on again when we're together. But he's happy with what he's doing. It's good. He's making a difference. And I won't take that away from him. I'm young. We have time, right?

I kind of want to come back, but I'd feel like I was failing. I miss you though, and Sarah and Amanda and Angelo and Shinobi and Scott and Manny... well... everyone. Thanks for writing me back. It feels good to know you haven't forgotten me.

Love,
Marie