Gifts (Doug, Terry, Laurie)

[xp_darcy]

Delivered by Kevin in this log.


Ter–I'll be gone for a while, until I can get my head back enough to know it's mine, or to trust someone else to go walking through it with me. I don't.. I don't know how things are going to go over, and well.. I hope you can still look at me after, although I’m not sure how I can ask that when I don’t even want to look at myself right now. But even if not, I hope you love this, and that it looks as wonderful on you as I thought it would when I first saw the pattern.

You've been such a blessing to me during this long, weird year. I started working on this for you right after we went axe-throwing, and I hope you get to wear it somewhere nice and show off how lovely and awesome you are. Thank you so much for your friendship. Give Kyle a hug and my apologies for not being able to stick around for right now. I’ll reach out when I’m in the right space to do it.





Doug,
I'm sorry I'm doing this in a letter. I.. she fucked me up so much, and I just. Everything has this slime over it, and I can't trust what's mine and what she planted. She all but outright said she’s been manipulating both of us, and I don’t know if it’s true but I just can’t take that risk, not with you, with us. And you should be able to trust your own mind too. Maybe Emma could give you a look, some peace of mind? I’m so sorry she might’ve gotten close enough to fuck with your brain because of me, that what we’ve done wasn’t.. I really hope she was lying, but if not I very selfishly hope you don’t hate me. I’m sorry she did that to you, to us, because I know she’ll never be sorry for it, and I just.. someone has to be. And it was my hands and my body even if she was guiding the puppet.

I'm sorry for not giving you a choice. Not asking you to come with me, not telling you where I am, not even taking my normal tech so you could at least hack my gps and find out where I am. (And I think you would, honey, even if you let me keep up the pretense of barely anyone knowing.) But I can’t take that risk with your mind. And I need to be sure of my feelings too–what she did actually manipulate, and what was just a convenient lie aimed to hurt me even more.

And if that's not okay, I get it. I've asked a lot of you. Dating me while I was dating her. The potential for reconciling. I keep stepping on the mines in your emotional field, and every time I see your smile dim because I've stuck my foot in it again I hate myself just a little, because you deserve all of the warm, wonderful things and you decided I was one of them. And if this is one ask too many.. I understand, and I hope we can rebuild our friendship, because I value you more than I can possibly get across in a letter. Once I know.. once I can trust myself at least enough to ask Emma or Jean to walk through my mind with me, once the idea of someone else in my mind, even invited, benign doesn’t make me want to be sick everywhere.. I’ll be back. And we can talk, or you can talk and I can listen, or whatever it is you need to do.

I hope you enjoy your gifts. One may no longer be appropriate, but I hope you accept them in the spirit I bought them in–with all of my affection and my indulgence for your love of having the hottest mouth in the room. I wish you nothing but kindness and joy as the new year dawns. I’ll reach out once I can.

Gift: A pair of white satin gloves, Rockies shirt, and several hot sauces sourced from WI.



[Left next to Laurie’s pillow in the medlab, for her to read or toss]

L,
I don’t know if you’ll read this. We both fucked up, and we both face the serious consequences that stem from our actions. I wish you had trusted me enough to tell me about Essex up front. I can forgive a lot, but I trusted you to use your powers responsibly and was willing to stand up to people for you and STILL you fucked with my mind??? I just.. I don’t understand WHY. I never told you no, I only asked you questions.. Why–I was trying to keep you safe! not that you used your powers against someone else, that you made me party to basically assaulting someone that I respect and care deeply for. And you just left me there, passed out and bleeding and I COULD HAVE DIED and I’m not even sure you would’ve cared and I just–? Do you even know how much damage you did to me? Did you even make sure I was still alive before fucking off??? And now? I can’t stay knowing you’re here, it’s terrifying. I want you to tell me it was a mistake. I You. I love you, I hate you, I hate that some part of me still wants to jump to protect you. I probably could’ve eventually forgiven you for just doing it to me. I would’ve been wary of you, would’ve minimized contact and kept my distance, but I could’ve been professional. But against someone else? And dragging me into that, knowing how I feel about things being consensual? I can’t–no–I won’t be stupid enough to forgive that.

I’m sure you understand why there isn’t a gift with this. In light of what you’ve done, it really wouldn’t be appropriate.

Congratulations, you almost finished the job the nanites tried to start. Perhaps it would’ve been a kindness to just let them do it instead.