[identity profile] x-cyclops.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] xp_communication
To: [firefly]
From: [captain-type person]
Subject: this morning...

It's funny - I've started this email, and I really don't know what to say. I don't know why I was trying so hard to be... well, Captain Fuckwad this morning. Especially with you.

I could blame it on the lack of sleep last night, but I'm not going to be that dismissive (although I'm sure it probably didn't help). I just... I think it's maybe because you were trying to talk to me. Paul tracked me down later and gave me a good metaphorical slap in the face about how this was going to affect the team, and it wound up knocking me on my metaphorical ass. I think because I've been trying so hard to be Cyclops, rather than Scott, in the midst of all of this. Cyclops didn't screw up, after all - Scott did. And Scott's not been feeling all that good about himself for a while now, to be perfectly honest... this is just one more thing. But taking refuge in Cyclops isn't the right thing, either, especially since, you know, not separate people and all.

Shit. I just wrote Charles the most ridiculous letter, you know... about feeling like too many different people sharing the same body and screwing up en masse. I'm sure the nice men in the white coats will be here anytime.

I just... feel really bad about hurting you, Ali. I didn't mean to do it, but I was so scared to let go of... well, anything. I can't say that's changed over the course of the last twelve hours, but I think I'm seeing that it's got to, or Cyclops is going to wind up just as screwed up as Scott is. And I just can't let that happen, because what we do is too important. I can't change what's happened... you know I have a whole list of names? I have lots of lists tonight, but the list of names is the really depressing one. I can't take them off the list, because it's all said and done, but if I screw up and lose the chance to do any better in future... well, there's not much left if I do that.

Scott

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