Email to Alison

[x-beast.livejournal.com]

To: [thesongbird]
From: [thegorilla]



It's funny, the little things that get to us.

I know that Clarice intended no more than a prank, and Kyle doesn't seem too bothered by it - and yet I am, quite a lot more than I should be. I'm overidentifying, I know, but...

I remember the first few months after I became.... what I am. I could hardly bring myself to look in a mirror... it's still difficult sometimes. To look, and see another *face*, that isn't yours, and yet almost is, to know that it's never going to go away no matter what you do... it's hard. Agonizing, actually. And if when I'd been in the middle of that, someone had mocked me and held me up to public ridicule like that, I don't think I'd ever have left the lab again. I'd have been determined to change back, or die trying. I almost killed myself more than once, trying to reverse the change, which is what made me eventually give up and try to accept it. Had something like this happened, I fear that nothing would have stopped me. And Kyle does not have that option.

I know I'm being hopelessly melodramatic over a probably entirely harmless prank, but can deliberately holding a younger student, who is known to be sensitive about his appearance, up to public ridicule really be considered a mere prank?

It's probably just me. But it's bothering me a lot right now. You remember me the way I was, so it's easier to talk about it to you... or harder. Both. And I'm rambling now, so I'll stop, but... this bothers me. A lot. Please tell me it's okay?

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[x-dazzler.livejournal.com]

From: [thesongbird]
To: [thehuggableone]
Subject: I remember the way you looked, yes...

But you're still the man I know, and have always known, ever since the day we met. Well, you've grown and changed in better ways since, but you get my point by now I think, mmm?

Regarding Kyle... I think the difference is situational, really. You went through your change a lot later in life than Kyle has with his. Age and adaptability play in. And teenage social patterns aren't the same as adults, which we sometimes forget. I'm being awfully dry about this, I know, but I've thought about it long and hard. I remember when you called me and when you wouldn't let me in the apartment and how you kept the lights closed. I remember it very well and I'll tell you again - I'm very glad you did call me. And that you've come to terms with things at least enough to stop trying to reverse it, because a world without a Hank in it would be a very sorry and sad place indeed.

Kyle is okay. I think, even, that this is along the lines of Very Good for him and a step towards self-acceptance that he had to take at one point or another. The children teased him yes but they stayed near him too, didn't you notice? And he didn't withdraw at all, but stuck his own and decided to go with it even though Jamie offered him a way out, to the point of agreeing to go out to the mall. A grudging way to let Clarice make her point, but he did do it, and whether this is something he processed mentally or not just yet, I see a lot there. Also? I think that you worrying about him and wishing to mentor him will be as beneficial for you as it will be for him. You should talk to him, just as you were planning to originally, though he may surprise you now and then. But if you'd like, beforehand, I can check in on him myself to make sure. I'm sending him to you after though, if you don't go finding him yourself.

And hey. I know I'm biased. I've always said blue is my favorite color. (Well, ruby red has been added to that, but that's Paige and how could I not, after what happened? So ruby red and blue. You two, and Kurt, have blueness in common right now, don't you? That's something to work with. Looks like Clarice gave you the perfect opening - and I suspect she picked blue for a reason, really. Just maybe. But she usually does favor far more lurid colors, you know.

Kids can be frighteningly clever that way, and never let you see it, sometimes.

*hugs*

And Hank? It's okay. I promise.

Alison

[x-beast.livejournal.com]

You're right, of course. I'm being foolish. Thank you, Alison.

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[x-dazzler.livejournal.com]

Grnrng. None of that "I'm being foolish" business. Your own issues getting touched on by what happened to Kyle is hardly foolish, and what you feel isn't foolish. That's what's there and that's that. (Oh, don't slay me on that grammar, just got back from the gym it makes sense sort of, that way!) Right. Focus. I was trying to say that earlier and must have failed at it miserably with the trying to make sure you saw it was okay.

But what's happening to him now isn't the same as what happened to you, which was my point in a lot less words. (You're contagious, Mr. McWordy.) The social habits of the barely domesticated teenager don't quite match ours. Savages, the lot of them. Endearingly so, mind. It's what sucks us in every time.

Gna. I'm rambling again. Eval tomorrow is with you, I believe. Will give you a big hug then. And if is not, will find and administer a hug anyway.

And now, I go to bed before you wave your arms at me and order me off to sleep! See how good I am!

Alison