xp_communication | Letters hand-delivered by MacInnis...

...when he arrived at the mansion today, written by Tim and Mick and left behind in Galicia before the mission to Youra.

Kyle,

I left a note attached to this, that told whoever found it that you were only supposed to get it if Ani made it and I didn't. There's a good reason for that, because what I want to ask you has to do with her.

If you're reading this and it's happened like that, she'll be going through a lot. It's never easy to lose someone, and it's less easy when you have a mutation like yours and hers, because you become so close with the people you love. If I'm not there, she'll need all the friends... all the pack she has left, and she considers you part of her pack. Be there for her, okay? I'd have sooner cut off my own arm than hurt her, but when you do the sort of things we do, sometimes you don't make it home. However much you want to.

I'm glad I got the chance to meet you properly, and to know that you're doing well. It meant a lot, like I said.

Live a long, happy life, all right? No more white rooms. Just open sky.

Mick

~*~

Amanda,

You're probably surprised to be getting a letter from me. I'm kind of surprised to be writing one, believe it or not. But I was writing a whole batch of them for people, just in case I don't make it through Saturday, and that conversation of ours kept nagging at me.

I never told you how sorry I was. That you got caught in the middle of what happened at Columbia, I mean. I was just so shaken up, when I was at the mansion... my world had gone topsy-turvy and I wasn't sure what to make of it. And seeing you... it brought it back.

I was so ashamed of what happened. I don't know if I really got that across, either. Whether you believe it or not, Mistra wasn't always like that. Oh, we weren't good guys, by any stretch of the imagination. But sometimes, we did good things. Or bad things that had good consequences. Ugly things that needed to be done, maybe that's the best way to put it.

There were always innocents that got caught in the crossfire, no matter the motivations for the mission. But Columbia was something else entirely, something that gave me nightmares for months, because there wasn't anything I could do about it, and I tried so damned hard...

And now this has turned into me justifying myself, which it wasn't meant to be at all.

Nate's told me a lot about you. Mostly during that week he spent here in Galicia with me, when I first came to stay with MacInnis. He talked a lot about life back at the mansion, and you came up over and over. He worries about you, you know, to the point where I laughed at him for being a mother hen. But other times, he'd say something about you, about something you'd done or said, and I'd realize just how much faith he has in you. How proud he is of you.

And it's familiar, in an odd way. I can remember being twenty years old and living for those moments when they were directed at me. When he'd look at me and grin, and I could just feel that confidence, buoying me up, no matter what kind of shit I'd landed myself in. It's one of the reasons I missed him so much when he was gone.

I suppose we've both been lucky that way.

I wish I'd been able to get to know you better, Amanda. But maybe I'll just stick to wishing you brighter days from here on out.

Take care,
Tim

~*~

Moira,

If you're reading this, I didn't make it through Saturday, although I really hope that Nathan and Ani and Tim did. I'm really sorry that I won't get the chance to know you better, or to meet the baby. Two of my big regrets.

But I wanted to thank you for everything you did for me. Especially the time Ani and I spent on Muir... it was the first time I can remember being happy since I was a child. And I credit something in the air on that island of yours for opening my eyes about Ani. Even if it had to end, the last couple of months have been wonderful. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Please don't let Nathan blame himself for whatever happened to me. I know he considers himself responsible for all, of us, but remind him that he and Alison freed me to make my own choices, and that's what I did. I don't regret going to Galicia, choosing to fight. Thanks to you all, I got the chance to find out what living, really living, was like. And it's worth the risk, to give that same chance to my friends still at Mistra, not to mention all those children.

Take care of your family. Tell the baby about Uncle Mick sometime.

Mick

~*~

Haroun,

Hope you'll forgive the presumption, given that we really weren't on a first-name basis, but if you're going to write someone a letter to be opened in the event of your death I think last-names are a little confrontational, don't you? As to why I decided you got a letter... I'm really not sure. We only met the once, after all, and it wasn't the most cheerful and/or friendly conversation in the world.

But I suppose it stuck with me. You were something of an asshole - note, I'm not saying I was any better - but you did have a point. Possibly a few points. I'm going to be sorry if I don't get the chance to try this whole 'just living' thing you were talking about, I think. I look at Mick and Ani, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't seem damned attractive.

But I hope that if I don't get that chance, I at least get the opportunity to 'pan out'. (Yeah, I'm parroting your own words right back at you. I'm a psi, remember? Photographic memory.) Seriously, though, I've been thinking about those kids on Youra, about my friends... if I'm dead, but they're free, it was worth it. You told me I needed to figure out who I was, but I'm not totally lacking in an identity, even if I haven't really stopped to breathe since I lost my conditioning.

I'm a leader, and a friend, and someone who doesn't want to see one more child go through what I did. Maybe that's not everything I could have been, but in the end, I think that's a lot.

Take care of that girlfriend of yours. She's quite something. If you're reading this, know that I took the image of her hitting MacInnis to the grave with me.

Tim

~*~

Moira,

I know we didn't have much of a chance to get to know each other, with how short a time I was at the mansion. I regret that, more than I think I can quite convey in a letter. But when I was thinking about who I needed to write to, just in case Saturday doesn't go so well for me, your name was right there on the list, inadequate medium or not.

I wanted to say thank you. You were so kind to me, while I was at the mansion and when Nate and I stopped on Muir Island on our way to Galicia. It meant a lot, even if I growled a lot - that was only because I wasn't sure what to make of it. I've played a role for so long, Moira, one that meant I had to be the strongest, the toughest, and the least vulnerable. Fear of showing weakness is something that's hard to shake... but of course you know that. You've known Nathan for years, and he and I played the same role. He did it for even longer.

I wanted to thank you for making Nathan so happy, too. He talked about you so much while we were in Galicia. The comparison may not be welcome... but when he was with Aliya, there was always that edge of conflict to their relationship. She was an instructor, he was an operative, and as much as they did love each other the trust was never total.

That's not the case with you. All I had to do was see the look in his eyes when he talked about you. There was this... serenity, beneath it all. He's in love with you, and it makes the world right for him.

He's going to be a wonderful husband and father, I hope you know that. I know, because I've seen him be both.

Take care of yourself, and him, and the baby. Make sure you ask him about the name he has in mind if it's a girl. It's beautiful.

Tim

~*~

Madelyn,

Yours is the first of the really hard letters. I've written some others, but you and Alison and Nate and Mick and Ani and Tim... there's too much to say, and a letter just doesn't do it. But it's the only way to make sure that some things that need to be said are said, just in case.

I'm hoping you never see this, because I really want to make it through this weekend. I want to be able to wake up on Monday morning and try to wrap my mind around the thought that Mistra is gone and I have my whole life ahead of me. It'll be a stretch, I know, but I'm up for it. I really am.

But just in case, I wanted to tell my poker buddy how much she means to me. Not just for the poker, although I've always been very fond of women who can kick my ass. I find that very attractive, actually. I mean, just look at Ani.

Now I'm making bad jokes, mostly because it's so hard to put into words. I mean, 'thank you for making me feel like a human being' sounds kind of odd, but that's what you did. You just... were yourself, with me. I wasn't a recently de-brainwashed killer to you, or just an object of pity. You didn't push, but you were there. Like solid ground when my whole life had been turned upside down. You were patient and kind and such a good friend. Those nights that I spent down in the medlab playing cards with you... they went so far towards helping me get my balance back. If there's one thing I really regret, it's that going to Berlin, and then Galicia, meant that I didn't get to see more of you. I really would have liked that, Maddie.

And if that wasn't enough, more than enough, you cared. You walked out of that safehouse in Vermont and you made the decision that this was your fight. You went to Canada and wound up in the middle of a battle and you're going to Youra with us, because you care. You're not a mutant, you used to be part of the government that did this to us in the first place, but you're not doing this out of guilt. You're doing this because you saw those bodies in that safehouse and said 'never again', and I loved you for it. You helped give me back some faith in humanity. Remember that, all right? You did that, just by being you.

If you're reading this and Ani made it but I didn't, please be there for her, too? I can hardly bear the thought of leaving her alone.. but then, I know she won't be. Even if I don't make it through Saturday.

Thank you. For everything.

Mick

PS: I finally figured out how to do that card trick.

(OOC note: In the envelope is a card - the ace of hearts.)

~*~

Alison,

So. Insert obligatory 'If you're reading this, I'm dead' comment here. Anyway. I'm sitting here writing this, really kind of wishing I'd taken your advice and allowed myself to be traumatized for a little while longer than I did. That's a joke... sort of, I suppose. But six weeks, in the final analysis, wasn't much time. Especially since it was actually closer to five, I think...

Now I'm depressing myself. Pointlessly, too, because it's not the amount you have, it's what you do with it. I have some regrets, I won't lie about that. I regret not spending more time at the mansion. I regret not getting to know you better - I'm a little envious of Mick on that score, to be honest. I regret not sneaking off to Berlin for a weekend to take Domino up on her offer... you probably didn't want to hear that, did you?

Lots of regrets. I could go on for pages. But I look back on these last few weeks, and I'm pretty damned proud of what I've helped to accomplish, too. We've got a real shot at ending this, at stopping Mistra for good, and I never would have been able to be a part of it if you'd done what most people would have considered the 'smart' thing and left me in that crater.

You took a risk. You couldn't have known that I wouldn't wake up on the plane and tear it apart, maybe even before I knew what I was doing. But you took the chance... you gave me a chance. Thank you for that. If that was all I got, the chance to be part of this, that was enough. I may not have gotten much of an opportunity to breathe, but the air was awfully nice while it lasted.

If you're reading this, I'm assuming you made it through Saturday okay, and I'm really glad. Take care of yourself, and your son. Be happy.

Tim

~*~

Alison,

I can't believe I'm doing this. How the hell do I say goodbye to you, even if it's 'goodbye just in case'?

I have what I have, I have a life and a woman I love more than breath and a chance to save people I care about and innocent children from their own hells because you listened to Nathan last fall and wondered if maybe, just maybe, I could be rescued. I know I owe a hell of a lot to him, too... oh, fuck, how much I owe him... but I know that you put the idea in his mind. You thought there was a chance, when as far as he knew I was still fully conditioned and was liable to try to kill him if he came after me. You hoped. You held out hope for someone you didn't know, and looking back on it, it still astounds me. Humbles me, to have been the beneficiary of that.

And if you're reading this... I've lost all of that. It hurts to think about that possibility, that I won't get to wake up with Ani beside me for the rest of my life, or see Nate and Moira's baby, or be able to laugh with you when we're old and gray about how much fun it was to watch you punch MacInnis.

Or see the person you're going to be in ten years. Because you're just at the start of something, Alison - I hope you know that. Everything you did for me, for Tim, for all of us... everything you're doing now is just the beginning. You should never stop trusting your heart, because it's led you to some remarkable places already. But the thought of you ten years from now, with ten years more experience and all the confidence it's going to bring you, yet still with that ability to hope, to take chances, to believe even in people you don't know... it's a beautiful thought, Alison. I just wish I could be there to see what you'll do. To see you.

You know, I'm really hoping that this letter is pointless. That you'll never read it, and I can burn it, and never think about it again. That I can just be there, with all of you, for the rest of my life, wherever Ani and I wind up after it's all said and done. Because I want that so badly. So badly.

But if you're reading this.... so long as you're reading it, Alison, so long as you got to go home to your son and Haroun, so long as Nathan went home to Moira, and Ani and Tim made it... so long as we made a difference, in the end, I can bear it. Sitting here now, writing this, I can bear it - just.

If we won, even if I'm not there to see it... I'll know. I'll be able to rest.

Thank you. For everything. For finding me.

Love,
Mick

~*~

Nathan,

What did Terence used to call these? 'Just-in-case' letters, wasn't it? T was always such a smartass, wasn't he... I always used to wonder how the two of you worked together so well. He would have put me off big-time as an XO, much as I liked him.

I've been thinking about T and Hope and the rest of your team, the last couple of days. Wishing they were here, I suppose. Wishing that a lot of people were here who aren't. I keep dreaming about everyone who's gone, the ones we can't help even if Saturday goes beautifully. I suppose that means my focus on the mission is lacking. Hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. (That was a joke, Nate.)

Things have been non-stop around here for days, and I imagine they aren't much better over there. There hasn't been much time to sit and think about what we're about to do - which may be a good thing or a bad thing, I don't know which. I have this nagging fear that I'll lose my nerve if I stop. Isn't that stupid? So I'm just trying to focus on what needs doing, rather than What It All Means. Or, God forbid, What We Do After. Elliot's been wandering around being vaguely hysterical on the subject. Don't worry, I haven't smacked him for it; it would be like hitting a puppy.

And now I'm rambling. In a letter. That's pretty sad, you know. I can't afford to get distracted right now. Have to stay focused, no matter what. We're only going to get one shot like this, I suspect.

If you're reading this, I hope it went well. I hope we kicked their asses all over that island and brought all of our people home. I hope that you and Ani and Mick are okay. I hope that if I'm dead and you're reading this, I at least got the chance to see some of those hopes come true before I went.

Probably not, though. I'm such a pessimist.

There are a few more things that need saying. I want to tell you one more time that I never blamed you for leaving, because I know that's not going to sink in with anything resembling speed. I want to thank you - for sparing my life twice, for saving it in Canada, and for giving it back to me. The last few weeks have been... harder than I've let on, but they've been worth it. So worth it. Every moment.

You remember that night when we were both here in Galicia, and we headed down to the shore and just walked and walked for miles? I wish there'd been more nights like that, Nate, I really do. I don't think I've felt that at peace... well, ever.

You take care of yourself, old man. Take care of Moira and the baby, and Mick and Ani, too.

Six weeks isn't a lifetime, but I lived every moment of it. Thank you.

Tim

~*~

Nathan,

I've written all these letters to people tonight. I left you for last, and maybe I shouldn't have, because now I can't think of what to say.

Maybe because I've said it all to you before. Maybe because it doesn't really need saying, not between us. I know Tim labored over the letter he was writing to you to the point where he started snarling and growling and Ani told him to take a break before she hit him. But Tim doesn't like losing. Even to words. We all know this.

I know the guilt you're carrying around, and it's so wrong, Nate. You never set out to fail or hurt anyone. You did the best you could for so long. You taught us how to reach out and take what little freedom we could find - you stood between us and the directors and fought for us every chance you got, for so many years. The woman I love is alive today because you wouldn't let them kill her. They had all the power, but you still managed to save her.

I'm sitting here writing this because you wouldn't give up until you found me. I never doubted that you'd come for me, you know. From the moment I ran. I knew it.

Obviously, I'm coming up with things to say after all. Try this one on for size: the past is the past, Nate. Please don't blame yourself because they stripped away so much of what you cared about and it broke you. Don't blame yourself for lashing out, or running away. You're human in the end, Nathan, just like we all are.

And in the end, you came back. Which is all that matters to me, and there's not a damned thing you or anyone else could say to dissuade me of that. They tried to break you again and they didn't. You came back and you fought for us again, and no matter what happens on Saturday, nothing will ever change that.

Live a good life, Nathan. Be a good father, a good husband, a good friend. Don't grieve too long for any of us that don't make it through on Saturday. We went down fighting for what we believed in. Fighting beside you, one last time.

It was worth it. All of it. Vermont to Youra. No matter how it ends.

Mick

At the bottom of the page:

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.