Essay left on Scott's desk

[x-jubilee.livejournal.com]

Starting this is harder then I thought. I’m currently sitting in a small drift of paper – it’s important to me to get this sounding right. (See, I even left out the ‘Dude’. Progress that is.)

I’m not entirely sure I can give you what you want in this. I don’t exactly know whether I can give what I want out of this.

I’ve spent so much time in fear or anger that it’s a surprise that the decision I made to want this wasn’t from either of those. Hmm, okay, honesty. It wasn’t made out of fear for myself.

It wasn’t really about being left behind. I said I was aware that trainees probably wouldn’t be sent on missions – or even if they are that not everyone would always be chosen. I think I could stand being back here.

It’s being involved in the effort that I want. Did you know that for every story of a cat being rescued from a tree, there are about five others of people being killed, or wars or just people starving to death? But people see the cat rescue story and think the world is fine and that everything is right and just and we can all just go back to working like nobody died today.

Someone is always dying. Whether it’s from war or old age or just misadventure. Life is so fragile.

For someone who spent most of her life being self-involved I found myself in the surprising position of caring about the people who were out there this weekend. I was scared for them, for not just the physical possibilities but for the mental ones as well.

I’ve seen someone die by my own hand. As much as I tried to handle that, in the end I couldn’t. I could wish that no one I cared about would ever have to go through that, even if I’m aware that people have dealt with that sort of thing better then I did.

Gah! This totally isn’t answering the question, is it? I don’t know what the right thing to say is. Only that it’s important that I say it, that I get this chance.

Do I want to be a hero? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. I want to be the one out there saving the people that aren’t cats stuck in trees. (Although, nothing against cats, or people who save them. I’m kinda thinkin’ I’d be the hero who did both…heck, maybe even at the same time. Picture the headline. Mutant saves cat from tree while battling terrorist foe.)

I’ve never really understood why it was bad to want to be one. Except maybe the desire to look good would blind you to what was really going on. I don’t want to be a media darling, I want to be a real hero. The one that does the stuff that needs to be done because no one else would. (Although, Dude. I seriously protest if that includes taking out the garbage. Have you smelt our garbage cans lately? Seriously on the nose.)

When I went to visit my folk’s grave in San Fran. I realised there was always gonna be people who’d do anything for power. I don’t know how to stop people like that. Becoming a cop, it’s one direction I can go. The training the X-men get, it’s another thing. I just want every chance I can get to learn how to keep people from getting hurt.

Maybe one day, there’ll be another little girl like I was. Only this time she won’t have to lose her parents. If anything I learn could make that a reality. If I only saved one person because I gained a little knowledge I didn’t have before, then that’s worth it.

Okay, so desire to be a hero probably not helping my case here at all. Moving right along.

If you don’t want me to be a trainee then that’s okay, but let me use the training tapes. Hank said he’d supervise. But if you’ll give me a chance I’ll do whatever it takes. If you want me up at 4am in the morning running around a track, I’ll do it. If you want me to follow orders without question…(Okay, that’s probably going to get me a see ya later here but I don’t know if I can follow orders without question. What if it’s a stupid order? What if the long dead spirit of some super bad guy possessed the person giving it? Hmm…how about ‘I’ll follow orders unless suspicious of the motives for said order? And in the case of such suspicions would seek guidance from another team leader rather then taking matters into my own hands?)

I don’t know any other good answers to give. My power is hardly unique. I can probably blow up a city block or two if I stretch myself to burn out but that’s probably not going to be all that useful.

I just don’t want the bad guys to win.