Letter for Paige.
Mar. 31st, 2005 06:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xp_daytripper posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
xp_communication Letter left for Paige, propped against Nemesis' saddle in the stables. The handwriting starts off well, but gets steadily worse and there's lots of crossings-out.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I mean, you've made it pretty clear what you think of anything I might have to say, but that fight in the stables has been eating at me ever since, and if I've learned anything, it's that bottling things up can only lead to trouble. And more than one person has told me to at least try and talk, people who's opinions matter. So I'm writing this letter in the hope you'll get past this first bit and not just throw it in the bin. And manage to read my handwriting.
I wanted to say sorry, first of all. Sorry I didn't think about how me doing stuff for Nem would come across, that I reacted the way I did when you asked me to back off. Any other time, any other tone, I would have seen right away and apologised proper, instead of getting all touchy and giving you shite. The timing was bad 'cause I'd had some news 'bout Pete that didn't sit well, and the tone was bad 'cause… well, I didn't understand why you were so angry, and still being all polite. I mean, you lived with me for half a year or so, you know me, I'm pretty upfront about stuff, and I expect people to be the same. So if there's something I'm doing that gets up your nose, I'm sort of expecting you to point it out, well before it gets to be as problem as big as it seemed. It's something I'd hope all my friends know. Fuck knows I've come a long bloody way in a year and a half, but there's still stuff I don't know. Like living with other people - I've never really done it before, so I know I do stuff wrong. But I figured if I was doing something that was bothering you, you'd, you know, tell me.
But yeah, I'm sorry for touching your horse, for moving in on your territory. Or seeming like I was.
Something else that you said that day that's been bothering me is what you were saying about people not loving you. Now, I know people love me. I never said they didn't, only that sometimes I wish they wouldn't. But for you to say people don't love you… Fuck, Paige, I really don't understand how you can say that. I know you said not to mention the boys or your family, but I figure I'm safe from getting my face broken this way. Angelo talks to me about you all the time. I swear, from the day I met him, it's been obvious he loves you. I mean, he's devoted to you in a way Manuel will never be to me. And while Jono and I aren't exactly mates, it's been obvious from watching you two together, like in Brighton, that he loves you just as much. For you to turn 'round and say you don't have love, when those two'd do anything for you… well, it didn't seem fair. To them, or yourself. So I got angry at you, for discounting something as amazing as that the way you did.
Not to mention the threat thing. Wasn't expecting that, not from you, not when you've seen me beaten up how many times now. Then again, I didn't expect any of it, which is why it hurt so much, finding out you were that angry and jealous at me. You've always been a bit of a hero to me, y'know? Ever since I got here and found who my roomie was. I was that nervous, those first few days after I moved in. Hard to tell, I know, but that's how I did things back then, all front. I always hid all the weak stuff under the whole 'don't give a fuck' attitude. I sort of wish I was still as good at it now - it's mean less people worrying about me.
Where was I? Oh yeah, telling you what an amazing person I thought you were. Still do, really. Which is why you being so angry at me and maybe even hating me makes me feel so bad. When I said I thought you had everything, I meant it, you know. You're smart, you're pretty, you know what you want to do with your life. You have control over your power I'd do anything for. And people like you, they really do. If you'd just stop pushing them away, you'd see that. People are weird, they like to help when they see someone having trouble. And it's obvious you are, having trouble, that is, and people are worried about you. But you put such an effort into telling us you're fine that people start believing it. Or we don't want to flat-out call you a liar by insisting that your whole 'lalala, I'm fine!' business is nothing but an act.
People leave, yeah. And it sucks. But you can also push them away, and if you keep up the way you are, not letting anyone in, not trusting them, that's what's going to happen. People have a breaking point, and you're pushing yours and theirs. Something's got to give, and I'd hate to see it be you that ends up broken this time - I remember what it was like, feeling like there was nothing worth going on for, and I'd hate for you to end up in the same place.
Pete's not coming back. He can't. I can't tell you why, or how I know - if you want to know, talk to Remy. I know Pete's not the only one who considers me family, but he was the first, and he's not coming back because he's doing something that'll keep me safe. And it hurts, losing him like that. But I can't push people away just because he's gone, you were right about that. I can't discount them, because that's not fair to them or to me. So I'm going to try to stop pushing people away, even though letting them in only opens me up more to being hurt like I have been with Pete going.
And if I can do it, then I hope maybe you can. And much better, since you're always better than me at stuff.
You don't have to reply to this, or even talk to me, if you don't want to. Just wanted to try and put words together without the emotions getting in the way. Don't know if I managed it, but hey, at least it's said. You take care of yourself, all right? Or better still, let someone else for a change.
Amanda.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I mean, you've made it pretty clear what you think of anything I might have to say, but that fight in the stables has been eating at me ever since, and if I've learned anything, it's that bottling things up can only lead to trouble. And more than one person has told me to at least try and talk, people who's opinions matter. So I'm writing this letter in the hope you'll get past this first bit and not just throw it in the bin. And manage to read my handwriting.
I wanted to say sorry, first of all. Sorry I didn't think about how me doing stuff for Nem would come across, that I reacted the way I did when you asked me to back off. Any other time, any other tone, I would have seen right away and apologised proper, instead of getting all touchy and giving you shite. The timing was bad 'cause I'd had some news 'bout Pete that didn't sit well, and the tone was bad 'cause… well, I didn't understand why you were so angry, and still being all polite. I mean, you lived with me for half a year or so, you know me, I'm pretty upfront about stuff, and I expect people to be the same. So if there's something I'm doing that gets up your nose, I'm sort of expecting you to point it out, well before it gets to be as problem as big as it seemed. It's something I'd hope all my friends know. Fuck knows I've come a long bloody way in a year and a half, but there's still stuff I don't know. Like living with other people - I've never really done it before, so I know I do stuff wrong. But I figured if I was doing something that was bothering you, you'd, you know, tell me.
But yeah, I'm sorry for touching your horse, for moving in on your territory. Or seeming like I was.
Something else that you said that day that's been bothering me is what you were saying about people not loving you. Now, I know people love me. I never said they didn't, only that sometimes I wish they wouldn't. But for you to say people don't love you… Fuck, Paige, I really don't understand how you can say that. I know you said not to mention the boys or your family, but I figure I'm safe from getting my face broken this way. Angelo talks to me about you all the time. I swear, from the day I met him, it's been obvious he loves you. I mean, he's devoted to you in a way Manuel will never be to me. And while Jono and I aren't exactly mates, it's been obvious from watching you two together, like in Brighton, that he loves you just as much. For you to turn 'round and say you don't have love, when those two'd do anything for you… well, it didn't seem fair. To them, or yourself. So I got angry at you, for discounting something as amazing as that the way you did.
Not to mention the threat thing. Wasn't expecting that, not from you, not when you've seen me beaten up how many times now. Then again, I didn't expect any of it, which is why it hurt so much, finding out you were that angry and jealous at me. You've always been a bit of a hero to me, y'know? Ever since I got here and found who my roomie was. I was that nervous, those first few days after I moved in. Hard to tell, I know, but that's how I did things back then, all front. I always hid all the weak stuff under the whole 'don't give a fuck' attitude. I sort of wish I was still as good at it now - it's mean less people worrying about me.
Where was I? Oh yeah, telling you what an amazing person I thought you were. Still do, really. Which is why you being so angry at me and maybe even hating me makes me feel so bad. When I said I thought you had everything, I meant it, you know. You're smart, you're pretty, you know what you want to do with your life. You have control over your power I'd do anything for. And people like you, they really do. If you'd just stop pushing them away, you'd see that. People are weird, they like to help when they see someone having trouble. And it's obvious you are, having trouble, that is, and people are worried about you. But you put such an effort into telling us you're fine that people start believing it. Or we don't want to flat-out call you a liar by insisting that your whole 'lalala, I'm fine!' business is nothing but an act.
People leave, yeah. And it sucks. But you can also push them away, and if you keep up the way you are, not letting anyone in, not trusting them, that's what's going to happen. People have a breaking point, and you're pushing yours and theirs. Something's got to give, and I'd hate to see it be you that ends up broken this time - I remember what it was like, feeling like there was nothing worth going on for, and I'd hate for you to end up in the same place.
Pete's not coming back. He can't. I can't tell you why, or how I know - if you want to know, talk to Remy. I know Pete's not the only one who considers me family, but he was the first, and he's not coming back because he's doing something that'll keep me safe. And it hurts, losing him like that. But I can't push people away just because he's gone, you were right about that. I can't discount them, because that's not fair to them or to me. So I'm going to try to stop pushing people away, even though letting them in only opens me up more to being hurt like I have been with Pete going.
And if I can do it, then I hope maybe you can. And much better, since you're always better than me at stuff.
You don't have to reply to this, or even talk to me, if you don't want to. Just wanted to try and put words together without the emotions getting in the way. Don't know if I managed it, but hey, at least it's said. You take care of yourself, all right? Or better still, let someone else for a change.
Amanda.
