Email to Nathan from Saul Morrow

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To: [Dayspring, Nathan]
From: [Morrow, Saul]
Subject: re: hello

Nathan,

I have been sitting here all day trying to respond to your email. It's very difficult to know what to say from this end, as well. To say that I was shocked by the phone call from the FBI would be putting it mildly - your mother and I searched for you for so long, with no success. I'm ashamed to say that not long after her death, I lost hope. I'm not proud of that, but it had been so many years with no word, and without her... I retreated, in a sense, into my work.

Before I say anything else, I need you to know how thankful I am that you're alive, and as well as can be expected given everything that you've been through. I had imagined so many horrific possibilities, but the truth seems to have been worse. The two FBI agents who came to see me in San Francisco did give me what seemed like a fairly lengthy briefing on Mistra. Perhaps it only seemed that way because the details were so appalling, though, and because each and every detail reminded me over and over about how completely I failed as a father to you.

I don't know what you mean by parting on bad terms. Unless you were angry about something the day you disappeared, Nathan, and I have to admit that I didn't realize it if that was the case. Maybe I have no right to ask this - but did you run away? We always knew that was a possibility. There were times your mother and I had hoped it was the case, simply because that meant there was a better chance that you were alive and well somewhere.

I'm so grateful that you chose to get in contact with me once the option was presented to you, but I'm not going to push. This has to happen at the pace you choose, I know that, and I won't jeopardize the chance to connect with you again after all these years.

Please, whatever questions you have, whatever you need to know, ask. There are things I would like to ask you, but they can wait. You're what's important here.

Saul

Comments

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To: [Morrow, Saul]
From: [Dayspring, Nathan]
Subject: I don't understand

What do you mean, was I angry when I disappeared?

Of course I ran away. What was I supposed to do? I was afraid I'd killed you and afraid I hadn't, and I wasn't sticking around to let you beat the shit out of me if I hadn't. The sort of thing you used to do to me out of pique didn't bode very well for your reaction to attempted murder. I may have been twelve years old but you made damned sure I knew better than to cherish any stupid notions about how you loved me and would forgive me.

I'm not apologizing. Don't think I am. I suppose I'm glad to know I didn't actually kill you, but I'm not sorry. You can only terrorize an animal or a person for so long before they bite back, and that's what I did.

I don't know what the hell's going through your head, why you're pretending none of this happened, but I'm not playing this game. You can pretend to care, pretend to be reasonable if you want. I'm not buying it.

Nathan

[x-cable.livejournal.com]

To: [Dayspring, Nathan]
From: [Morrow, Saul]
Subject: ... something's very wrong here

Nathan,

The FBI agents who briefed me told me that what had been done to you, the conditioning and so forth, had been reversed. I wanted to believe them. But now I don't know what to think, because I have no idea where any of this is coming from. Afraid you'd killed me? What on earth are you talking about?

Maybe I'd better tell you what I remember about that day. I had been out working on one of the settlement's wind turbines for most of the day. Do you remember all the times you used to come and help me with them? Jacobson used to joke that I was raising a budding wind engineer.

I got back to the cabin around dinnertime, and Esther was frantic. You had promised her you'd be back by lunchtime, but she hadn't seen or heard from you. We went out to find Thomas and Zack... do you remember Thomas and Zack? I don't know how you could forget them, the three of you used to get into so much trouble, but after that last email I'm not sure of anything just now. They told us you'd told them you were going to the Yu'pik settlement to see Samuel. Jacobson's daughter Annie claimed to have seen you taking a ride from a trucker.

That was the last bit of information we ever found about what had happened to you. Samuel and his parents said you never made it over there, and Annie was too young to be able to remember any helpful details about the truck. We tried, Nathan, I swear.

Are you sure that what they did to you has really been fixed? This doesn't make any sense. I know what happened, and what you're telling me didn't.

Saul