Email to Saul
Jun. 24th, 2005 09:57 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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xp_communicationTo: [Morrow, Saul]
From: [Dayspring, Nathan]
Subject: I know, here I am not using the phone again...
Email is easier, though. Lets me think things through a little more carefully before I 'say' them, rather than hemming and hawing and generally sounding like an idiot. I'm usually better at thinking on my feet than I have been the times we've talked.
I did something a little stupid last Friday, after I got your email with the documents about the settlement. Lost patience, basically, and tried to break through one of the memory blocks the fast and sloppy way. I didn't do any permanent damage, although I was on the couch with a migraine for most of the weekend. Didn't break the block either, unfortunately. You'd think that it could have worked, at least.
I'm starting to think that whatever was done to me, or whatever I did to myself, is not getting fixed anytime soon. Which means that I have to come to terms with the fact that I can't rely on what's inside my head to guide me in any of this. I suppose you probably came to that conclusion a while ago, but it really... grates, to have to acknowledge that to myself. If there's one thing that I've based my whole life on since I left Mistra, it's... you know, I don't even know how to quite describe it? 'That my will was my own' sounds odd, but it's as close as anything else. That I can see what's in front of me, make decisions that are my own... although I suppose that was as much a delusion as anything else, given how much Mistra shaped the way I look at things, even without the conditioning.
Okay, so the email route isn't allowing me to be much more coherent. Maybe part of the problem is that I'm rushing things, or trying to. But I've never been the kind to sit back in endless contemplation. This past year, with all that happened with Mistra... the waiting was driving me crazy, more than anything else. Waiting for the other shoe to fall, the next disaster to hit...
I haven't told you about all of that. I doubt you got it in your briefing, either.
I think I want to. Tell you, I mean.
Nathan
From: [Dayspring, Nathan]
Subject: I know, here I am not using the phone again...
Email is easier, though. Lets me think things through a little more carefully before I 'say' them, rather than hemming and hawing and generally sounding like an idiot. I'm usually better at thinking on my feet than I have been the times we've talked.
I did something a little stupid last Friday, after I got your email with the documents about the settlement. Lost patience, basically, and tried to break through one of the memory blocks the fast and sloppy way. I didn't do any permanent damage, although I was on the couch with a migraine for most of the weekend. Didn't break the block either, unfortunately. You'd think that it could have worked, at least.
I'm starting to think that whatever was done to me, or whatever I did to myself, is not getting fixed anytime soon. Which means that I have to come to terms with the fact that I can't rely on what's inside my head to guide me in any of this. I suppose you probably came to that conclusion a while ago, but it really... grates, to have to acknowledge that to myself. If there's one thing that I've based my whole life on since I left Mistra, it's... you know, I don't even know how to quite describe it? 'That my will was my own' sounds odd, but it's as close as anything else. That I can see what's in front of me, make decisions that are my own... although I suppose that was as much a delusion as anything else, given how much Mistra shaped the way I look at things, even without the conditioning.
Okay, so the email route isn't allowing me to be much more coherent. Maybe part of the problem is that I'm rushing things, or trying to. But I've never been the kind to sit back in endless contemplation. This past year, with all that happened with Mistra... the waiting was driving me crazy, more than anything else. Waiting for the other shoe to fall, the next disaster to hit...
I haven't told you about all of that. I doubt you got it in your briefing, either.
I think I want to. Tell you, I mean.
Nathan
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Reply to Nathan
Date: 2005-06-25 02:24 am (UTC)I suppose this is where I should remind you that nothing's changed, that I'm still fully committed to doing this your way, whatever that might be - email, phone calls, letters if you need the extra distance. Your way, and at your pace.
Except now I find myself rather worried about your pace. Nathan, after all those years with your mother, I know a fair bit about telepathy. I can make at the very least an educated guess as to how dangerous what you did to yourself probably was, and it's an alarming thought. I am so very relieved that there wasn't any permanent damage, but now I'm wondering if I'm pushing you too hard, driving you to find a way to answer your questions right now.
But then, here you are wanting to share more about your life with me. I'm at something of a loss here, Nathan. I want to know whatever you want to tell me, I truly do, but the idea that you're pushing yourself this hard worries me.
There's no need to prove your good faith, Nathan, or prove anything to yourself. I'll be here, whenever you're ready, if it's now or if it's later. Either way, I'm not going anywhere.
Saul
Reply to Saul
Date: 2005-06-25 02:34 am (UTC)It was a mistake, what I did last week. I know that. No one's let me forget that, believe me. But I see where I went wrong, and I'm not going to try and rush things like that again.
Please don't think it had anything to do with you, either. It was my lack of patience, that's all.
Nathan
Reply to Nathan
Date: 2005-06-25 02:40 am (UTC)I'm at home tonight, if you wanted to call.
Saul