Email to: Sefton, Amanda

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From: de Guzeman, Manuel
To: Sefton, Amanda
Subject: Yesterday, Green, and Apologies



I know that I got a little ... OK, a lot ... irritated with you yesterday for turning me green. The stuff you gave me worked for my face and arms, and hair dye took care of the rest. And I know I got a little hot and talked a great deal of shit to you.

I'm sorry for all of that.

I wasn't thinking - I was reacting. Something that, I'm sure you've noticed, I'm overly-prone to.

I got some new pictures taken - I thought you might like them.

(On second thought - stupid linking thing isn't working. I have a hardcopy, if you'd like to see it.)

So tell me what I have to do ... other than feel bad, because I've got that part covered ... to mend this rift.

Manuel

Comments

Subject: I don't know...

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To: de Guzeman, Manuel
From: Sefton, Amanda.

I don't know what you have to do to fix this. Since we do this again and again, and we don't learn from it. You say you're sorry and that you feel bad, but it doesn't stop you saying exactly the worst things at the best time to make me feel like something you stepped in. You say you love me, but sometimes I wonder if it's just the sex and the link and the fact I'm there for you when you need me to be.

Yesterday I was confused and worried and a bit scared. The last time a spell went bad and affected other people was the love potion, and I'm still trying to make up for the damage that did. So I was worried it was going to start all over again, that people were going to hate me for it. And they didn't - there was a bit of fuss, but once I apologised and explained, everyone was fine. Except you. I haven't really done any magic for ages, and what I do try goes wrong half the time, and I don't know what I'm doing any more. And you could feel that down the link, and you still had to keep pushing, until it was either snap back at you, or sit there and take it like some sappy doormat. And I won't be that, even for you.

I love you. Sometimes I don't know why, since no-one makes me feel so bad about myself as you do sometimes. The digs about my clothes, my eating habits, my music, the way I talk... Sometimes it feels like the only thing you like about me is the sex, and that's not a relationship, that's a one night stand. That's what every other bloke I've ever been with wanted, and you're not like every other bloke. I don't want you to be. I've tried to be what you want me to be, but it feels like it's never enough. That I'm never enough. And calling me a secondary concern only proved that.

So, I don't know how to fix this. I'm tired of feeling shitty, and I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not. But the thought of you not being there just about kills me. Maybe we should both start thinking a bit more and reacting a bit less, and see if we can't figure this out. For what it's worth, I'm sorry for being a bitch yesterday.

A.

Re: Subject: I don't know...

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From: de Guzeman, Manuel
To: Sefton, Amanda
Subject: I understand.

Does that surprise you?

I've been thinking a lot about ... things. Us, what we have, what we don't. Where we go wrong, and where we go right. You can make me so blindingly angry, but you know that. And you've never respected me, my own ways and means of living this sad pathetic thing I call my life.

And while you're tired of trying to be something you're not, that is a two-way street as well. We need to find a better place to meet on that street - a little less highbrow, a little more lowbrow. Meet each other in a better place than where we do.

I love you. I need you. I want to continue being yours, and I want you to continue to be mine. We are who we are, and being who we are, we have some unique challenges. My power, your power, the addictions and the demons that drive us.

Help me, and I will help you. Together, we will be far more than either one of us could be apart.

Manuel

Subject: Honestly? It does surprise me.

[xp_daytripper]

To: de Guzeman, Manuel
From: Sefton, Amanda

You're wrong about one thing. I do respect you. Not always the way you do things, the family thing, but I've always tried to understand at least. I've tried to help you, support you when you felt like you were losing everything and everyone was against you. I've never dragged out your issues in front of everyone else and made you look small or stupid.

Meeting in the middle I can agree to. You might not have noticed me cutting back on the smoking and the drinking and even working on the swearing, but I have been trying. I'm never going to be like the people you're used to, and even if I could be, I wouldn't be me any more. But I wouldn't ask you to not be you, either. Just some consideration is all I ask. Stop taking digs at me on the journals, for one.

I'd like to try and work on this. Together. I want you so badly, but I don't want it to be at the cost of either of out self-respect. Especially now I'm learning to have some. *grins*

Amanda.

Re: Subject: Honestly? It does surprise me.

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From: de Guzeman, Manuel
To: Sefton, Amanda
Subject: Good.

I have noticed. And I don't care about the smoking and the drinking. They've never bothered me, you know that. But the way you talk, the way you act when we're in public - those are the things that concern me.

If you've noticed, I've stopped wearing my suits. Changed my look, changed my name, given up the Gucci and the Versace for Polo Ralph Lauren.

Just - respect me. My opinions, my feelings, my gifts. Don't fear me.

Manuel

Subject: I never used to.

[xp_daytripper]

To: de Guzeman, Manuel
From: Sefton, Amanda

I had noticed the change in clothes. Don't know if you noticed mine. Even have some colours happening, and it doesn't always have to be a special occasion for me to wear something nice. The name... that was you. I never insisted you do that, never even thought you should. That was your choice, so don't try and put it onto me.

I'm only afraid of you when you remind me of your dad, since we're being honest here. When you treat people like nothing, when you don't give a toss for anyone but yourself and how you're feeling. I know he was your dad and you loved him, and that's something I'm learning to respect, but I don't know if I could handle you turning out like him. Not after what he did to me. And that's why I'm scared sometimes, of you, of your power. I'm scared you'll turn out like your dad. Especially since you threatened to use it on me to make me tell you the truth about Pete. I never thought you'd ever do that, and when you did... it changed things. I know you were grieving, that you weren't thinking, but you've already said, you react, you don't think sometimes. And until you start thinking more than reacting, that's always going to be an issue. If it's so easy for you to say awful things to me on the journals when I piss you off a little bit, what happens if I do something bigger? Even if it's an accident?

Don't turn out like him. That's the only thing I'm really demanding you do.

I love you. I don't know if it's enough for you, but I do.

Amanda.