Email to: Sefton, Amanda

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From: de Guzeman, Manuel
To: Sefton, Amanda
Subject: Yesterday, Green, and Apologies



I know that I got a little ... OK, a lot ... irritated with you yesterday for turning me green. The stuff you gave me worked for my face and arms, and hair dye took care of the rest. And I know I got a little hot and talked a great deal of shit to you.

I'm sorry for all of that.

I wasn't thinking - I was reacting. Something that, I'm sure you've noticed, I'm overly-prone to.

I got some new pictures taken - I thought you might like them.

(On second thought - stupid linking thing isn't working. I have a hardcopy, if you'd like to see it.)

So tell me what I have to do ... other than feel bad, because I've got that part covered ... to mend this rift.

Manuel

Comments

Re: Subject: I don't know...

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From: de Guzeman, Manuel
To: Sefton, Amanda
Subject: I understand.

Does that surprise you?

I've been thinking a lot about ... things. Us, what we have, what we don't. Where we go wrong, and where we go right. You can make me so blindingly angry, but you know that. And you've never respected me, my own ways and means of living this sad pathetic thing I call my life.

And while you're tired of trying to be something you're not, that is a two-way street as well. We need to find a better place to meet on that street - a little less highbrow, a little more lowbrow. Meet each other in a better place than where we do.

I love you. I need you. I want to continue being yours, and I want you to continue to be mine. We are who we are, and being who we are, we have some unique challenges. My power, your power, the addictions and the demons that drive us.

Help me, and I will help you. Together, we will be far more than either one of us could be apart.

Manuel

Subject: Honestly? It does surprise me.

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To: de Guzeman, Manuel
From: Sefton, Amanda

You're wrong about one thing. I do respect you. Not always the way you do things, the family thing, but I've always tried to understand at least. I've tried to help you, support you when you felt like you were losing everything and everyone was against you. I've never dragged out your issues in front of everyone else and made you look small or stupid.

Meeting in the middle I can agree to. You might not have noticed me cutting back on the smoking and the drinking and even working on the swearing, but I have been trying. I'm never going to be like the people you're used to, and even if I could be, I wouldn't be me any more. But I wouldn't ask you to not be you, either. Just some consideration is all I ask. Stop taking digs at me on the journals, for one.

I'd like to try and work on this. Together. I want you so badly, but I don't want it to be at the cost of either of out self-respect. Especially now I'm learning to have some. *grins*

Amanda.

Re: Subject: Honestly? It does surprise me.

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From: de Guzeman, Manuel
To: Sefton, Amanda
Subject: Good.

I have noticed. And I don't care about the smoking and the drinking. They've never bothered me, you know that. But the way you talk, the way you act when we're in public - those are the things that concern me.

If you've noticed, I've stopped wearing my suits. Changed my look, changed my name, given up the Gucci and the Versace for Polo Ralph Lauren.

Just - respect me. My opinions, my feelings, my gifts. Don't fear me.

Manuel

Subject: I never used to.

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To: de Guzeman, Manuel
From: Sefton, Amanda

I had noticed the change in clothes. Don't know if you noticed mine. Even have some colours happening, and it doesn't always have to be a special occasion for me to wear something nice. The name... that was you. I never insisted you do that, never even thought you should. That was your choice, so don't try and put it onto me.

I'm only afraid of you when you remind me of your dad, since we're being honest here. When you treat people like nothing, when you don't give a toss for anyone but yourself and how you're feeling. I know he was your dad and you loved him, and that's something I'm learning to respect, but I don't know if I could handle you turning out like him. Not after what he did to me. And that's why I'm scared sometimes, of you, of your power. I'm scared you'll turn out like your dad. Especially since you threatened to use it on me to make me tell you the truth about Pete. I never thought you'd ever do that, and when you did... it changed things. I know you were grieving, that you weren't thinking, but you've already said, you react, you don't think sometimes. And until you start thinking more than reacting, that's always going to be an issue. If it's so easy for you to say awful things to me on the journals when I piss you off a little bit, what happens if I do something bigger? Even if it's an accident?

Don't turn out like him. That's the only thing I'm really demanding you do.

I love you. I don't know if it's enough for you, but I do.

Amanda.