Email to Lorna

[xp_daytripper]

To: LDane@xaviers.ny.edu (Lorna Dane)
From: ASefton@xaviers.ny.edu (Amanda Sefton)



Um, hi.

I have no idea how to start this, or what to say, other than it's late over here and the house is quiet and it's starting to hit me, what I done, what I am. The first few days here were such a relief after everything, but now I'm settling down, and while I don't feel as bad as I did - I don't think that's possible - me conscience is bothering me. I done stuff, awful stuff, and the stuff I didn't do meself I let happen. And now I'm realising that people don't hate me, and I feel like I owe them an explanation for everything.

But I'm scared of saying it, because if I can't respect meself, knowing what I am, how can anyone else?

A.

Hoo-bloody-ray for moodswings. Was doing all right earlier.

Comments

[x-polarisstar.livejournal.com]

To: Sefton, Amanda
From: Dane, Lorna


Hey,

Respect for yourself is the first thing you lose, I think. And the last thing you get back. I know there is this weird prevailing wisdom that says you can't love others until you love yourself but that's just nuts. It's much easier to forgive, respect and even love other people than it is yourself. You can get a respite from them. But there is no way to divorce yourself from you...

well not and remain out of Samson's clutches, yeah?

I can't absolve you of anything, not being of the proper sex or training for my particular religion to allow that sort of thing, but I can crib from the nice man with the kind eyes. Yeah, life sucked in the past. And yeah, that's going to hold on to you the way the past has a tendency to. But you're not in the past and you get to choose a future.

For myself that means that I can't believe what I see in the mirror. It means that, even though I have years behind me telling me that "you can never be too thin" and that just five more pounds lost and I'll be at the perfect weight, I have to be able to force myself to eat. That I have to act as if I believe that 100 lbs isn't fat.

--Lorna

Subject: Samson got you too, did he?

[xp_daytripper]

To: Dane, Lorna
From: Sefton, Amanda

Yeah, that makes sense. The bit about not being able to divorce yourself from you. I gave it a bloody good try, tho'.

I'm a junkie. I'm addicted to me power, the same way someone gets addicted to heroin. At first it just made me feel good, but then I couldn't get by without it, and then I was doing anything I could to get it. The source I was getting it from was taken away, so I switched to everything and anything else I could find, to make me disappear.

Including... well, you know what I mean. Who I mean.

There. Its said.

Rom's explained to me that I'll never not crave power. Because its me mutation, it's locked into the way me body works, and I've fucked up the chemistry. And that's the part that scares me, because I'll always be a junkie, in one way or another. So the past is going to have a hold on me no matter what I do.

I'm trying to choose a better future, but its hard, knowing I'll always have some part of me that won't let me change, that I'll have this weakness and it makes the people who trust me be in danger. I've seen junkies on the streets, and they're the lowest scum. Because they'll do anything to get their fix, and that was what I was doing. I don't want to do it any more, and I know there are people who will help me, but it's still as scary as hell.

Thanks for telling me, 'bout your problem. Its not easy, admitting you ain't in control, is it?

A.