Email to Paige
Sep. 20th, 2005 08:23 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
x-cable.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
xp_communicationTo: [Paige]
From: [Nathan]
Subject: I am more than a little angry with you.
Not for the point you were trying to make. The point is fine. The point is true, and any other week, I'd agree with you. You're talking to the man who's gotten through a number of things this summer because there are two redheads who make his life worth living.
But the sheer insensitivity of picking yesterday, of all days, to deliver a public lecture - not a gentle reminder, Paige, a self-righteous public statement that no one could take exception to without sounding like an idiot, as I did - about the value of looking on the sunny side of life and not getting caught up in the sad anniversaries just boggles me. I cannot imagine what you thought you were going to accomplish.
Six months ago yesterday, dozens of people I was trying to save died, despite everything I tried to do. A number of them were my friends, and several of them died right in front of me. I didn't spend yesterday evening beating my chest and tearing at my hair and obsessing about not having been able to save them. I spent it remembering them. With Madelyn, with Cain, with Moira, with my daughter, and finally on my own in the middle of the night. Wishing things could have been different, yes, but remembering the time we did have, and what the survivors are doing now to make their lives have meaning.
And you cheapened that. You cheapened it with an airy, throwaway platitude. I'll reiterate my apology for growling at you in public, but honestly, I don't give a damn what you thought you were trying to do, however well-intentioned it was. It was insensitive. Youra changed a lot of things for a number of people around here, and the least you could do is respect that.
Ask your brother - not the one who called me a jackass, the other one - about Melina Konstantakis sometime. The answer might teach you something.
N.
From: [Nathan]
Subject: I am more than a little angry with you.
Not for the point you were trying to make. The point is fine. The point is true, and any other week, I'd agree with you. You're talking to the man who's gotten through a number of things this summer because there are two redheads who make his life worth living.
But the sheer insensitivity of picking yesterday, of all days, to deliver a public lecture - not a gentle reminder, Paige, a self-righteous public statement that no one could take exception to without sounding like an idiot, as I did - about the value of looking on the sunny side of life and not getting caught up in the sad anniversaries just boggles me. I cannot imagine what you thought you were going to accomplish.
Six months ago yesterday, dozens of people I was trying to save died, despite everything I tried to do. A number of them were my friends, and several of them died right in front of me. I didn't spend yesterday evening beating my chest and tearing at my hair and obsessing about not having been able to save them. I spent it remembering them. With Madelyn, with Cain, with Moira, with my daughter, and finally on my own in the middle of the night. Wishing things could have been different, yes, but remembering the time we did have, and what the survivors are doing now to make their lives have meaning.
And you cheapened that. You cheapened it with an airy, throwaway platitude. I'll reiterate my apology for growling at you in public, but honestly, I don't give a damn what you thought you were trying to do, however well-intentioned it was. It was insensitive. Youra changed a lot of things for a number of people around here, and the least you could do is respect that.
Ask your brother - not the one who called me a jackass, the other one - about Melina Konstantakis sometime. The answer might teach you something.
N.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Reply
Date: 2005-09-21 12:30 am (UTC)Reply
Date: 2005-09-21 02:13 am (UTC)I was already slipping. I saw hallucinations sometimes.
First Samson appointment.
Amanda.
Everyone else.
These aren't excuses, and I'm not going to explain them. They're a map of sorts, a timeline of my headspace at the time and how little of surroundings I was taking in.
But.
I'm sorry. I had no intention of hurting you. Of belittling you. Or lecturing. None of these were my intent, and I hope you believe that. I'm really very sorry for hurting you. I've been black and white-ing things a lot as of late. See above. Sometimes I need to remind myself to celebrate the good; if I was only celebrating the bad, I'd never have time to breathe. This is all coming off trite. As for the rest... I don't know what else to tell say, and anything I did, you wouldn't be happy with.
I'll look up Konstantakis next time I get a spare moment.
Reply
Date: 2005-09-21 03:29 am (UTC)But don't look her up, Paige. Ask Sam, or Scott. Or ask Alison or Madelyn about Mick Foley, or Wanda and Kylun about the kids they helped in the training barracks. The files tell you what happened but they don't tell you how, and they don't tell you why what happened six months ago can't be slotted neatly into 'bad'.
I just can't remember the good without the bad. I can't dwell on the bad, because if I was still doing that after six months I'd be in a straitjacket. But the good and the bad aren't so easily separated sometimes. Maybe it's what you said about black and white, I don't know.
N