Email to Madelyn/Moira re: self/integration

[x-rogue.livejournal.com]

to: <maddy>
from: <em>
cc: <mo>
subject: advice?

I'm afraid I might be literally driving myself crazy... or at least to a new and different sort of crazy. I think it was easier to ignore the imprints or whatever you want to call them in my head before I killed Stanley. After that, when I was sort of in voluntary solitary confinement, it was pretty easy because I wasn't interacting with anyone and there was no one new to rock the boat. Also, I think it's possible I might have had some major systemic shock from killing Stanley.

Now that I'm out in the big world, it's harder. I've had reactions to things that I know have nothing to do with me and everything to do with one of them. Part of it could be that it's been a hard few months but I can't let that stand as a reason, because we all know that shit happens, right? I've tried to keep it from happening by keeping busy, keeping tired, focussing on other things, but I just can't keep doing it because it's a whole new kind of crazy, where I'm watching everything I do and working myself hollow to try and keep things under control.

I don't talk about them. I hate to, because it makes them rattle their chains, so to speak. They're most noticable when I'm falling asleep or waking because the doors are 'open' and I'm conscious. All I know is that according to the best psychiatrist Charles could get me, I'm not crazy, and according to Manuel, there's not just me in my head.

I know I didn't say much about this to you guys when I was down there. I'm sorry. I thought I could handle them but I'm so afraid I can't I'm just tying myself in a horrible knot and not doing anyone any good. I worry that they're changing my brain permanently and I'll never be anything like normal again. I just want to know what to do about this all.

Trying not to panic,
Marie

PS -- Moira, my DNA changed with Stanley, is there any way to know if it changed before then? What if I went home and found some things of mine, maybe hairbrush or something, from before I left? What if other people changed me and we don't know? Maybe you should do a test because of Angelo.

Comments

[x-mactaggart.livejournal.com]

To:
From:
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Yes, I can certainly run some tests. In fact, I'll start them up as soon as I'm back down there (which will be soon, I promise).

*hugs* Whatever else I can do to help, I will. (You've got my room phone number if you need to talk, no matter the time.) And don't apologize, you've come to us now and that's what we'll focus on.

Moira