Email to Madelyn/Moira re: self/integration

[x-rogue.livejournal.com]

to: <maddy>
from: <em>
cc: <mo>
subject: advice?

I'm afraid I might be literally driving myself crazy... or at least to a new and different sort of crazy. I think it was easier to ignore the imprints or whatever you want to call them in my head before I killed Stanley. After that, when I was sort of in voluntary solitary confinement, it was pretty easy because I wasn't interacting with anyone and there was no one new to rock the boat. Also, I think it's possible I might have had some major systemic shock from killing Stanley.

Now that I'm out in the big world, it's harder. I've had reactions to things that I know have nothing to do with me and everything to do with one of them. Part of it could be that it's been a hard few months but I can't let that stand as a reason, because we all know that shit happens, right? I've tried to keep it from happening by keeping busy, keeping tired, focussing on other things, but I just can't keep doing it because it's a whole new kind of crazy, where I'm watching everything I do and working myself hollow to try and keep things under control.

I don't talk about them. I hate to, because it makes them rattle their chains, so to speak. They're most noticable when I'm falling asleep or waking because the doors are 'open' and I'm conscious. All I know is that according to the best psychiatrist Charles could get me, I'm not crazy, and according to Manuel, there's not just me in my head.

I know I didn't say much about this to you guys when I was down there. I'm sorry. I thought I could handle them but I'm so afraid I can't I'm just tying myself in a horrible knot and not doing anyone any good. I worry that they're changing my brain permanently and I'll never be anything like normal again. I just want to know what to do about this all.

Trying not to panic,
Marie

PS -- Moira, my DNA changed with Stanley, is there any way to know if it changed before then? What if I went home and found some things of mine, maybe hairbrush or something, from before I left? What if other people changed me and we don't know? Maybe you should do a test because of Angelo.

Comments

[x-mactaggart.livejournal.com]

To:
From:
CC:

Yes, I can certainly run some tests. In fact, I'll start them up as soon as I'm back down there (which will be soon, I promise).

*hugs* Whatever else I can do to help, I will. (You've got my room phone number if you need to talk, no matter the time.) And don't apologize, you've come to us now and that's what we'll focus on.

Moira

[x-rogue.livejournal.com]

to: <maddy>
from: <em>
cc: <mo>
subject: re: advice?

I don't want them to go away. Not completely. I can't explain why. I think that might be why I didn't say anything before and I can't tell if that's me or them that doesn't want them to go away.

I could sign for the psychiatrist from the fall to give you his opinion if you wanted, but he was mostly at a loss, said I almost had MPD only with real people and it wasn't a psychiatric disorder, it was my mutation as far as he could tell from his tests and we didn't have to work on that if I didn't want to, and I really, really didn't. So we worked on other things mostly like me killing people by accident, which was really plenty. I thought I was doing okay for about a month (December) and then things went downhill.

I don't think /I/ am crazy, but I don't know if /we/ are or not. I know some of them are messed up to one degree or another. Somehow I couldn't have nice guys in my head, could I? Still, if I can't excise them, and they're already kind of seeping into me, Logan wonders if I shouldn't have someone help me integrate them so I'm not fighting to keep them all separate. I don't want to take that step without knowing what the biochemistry is first, though.

I know you have your hands full with Nathan and all, and I'm sorry.

Marie

[x-madelyn.livejournal.com]

from: [homo sapiens sapiens]
to: [strength in numbers]
cc: [gene-ius]
subject: re: advice?

You know I'm willing to help with whatever you need. As Moira has already said, we can run some more tests as soon as you return. Also, hair is a brilliant idea, but try for more than just a single strand, so that we don't have to worry about any mistakes.

Your Logan is a smart guy, I think, but I don't have a degree in psychiatry, so I may not be the person to ask about integration. (Moira may be a better choice, for that.) The biology of your mutation, though, is my area of specialty, these days, and I would love -- to steal a phrase from you -- to play "Poke the Mutant" and see what I can do to help.

Madelyn Bartlet, MD