E-Mail to Xavier

[x-gambit.livejournal.com]

to: [Xavier, Charles]
from: [LeBeau, Remy]
subject: Leaving



I'll spare everyone the violent outburst on the journals. The kids don't need it, and neither do the teachers. I'll be gone as soon as I can arrange things and get transportation.

Why didn't you trust me, Charles? I let you inside my head, through all the elements you could see. You, of all people, know what I was and what I'm fighting against being. You, of all people, know that I was ready to die for this place.

Instead, you used me, lied to me and people died. Lives were destroyed. More lives nearly came down with it. What would you have told me if I'd killed Pete in Hong Kong? Or Amanda if she'd gone through with Jubilee? Do you have words and justifications to unmake a monster?

Dammit, Charles. When Pete went after Alphonso, I told him there was another way. A way that didn't endanger people's lives. That we had the ability to do it without destroying everything around us. I told you time and time again how important the communication was. How dangerous the situations were.

I made people trust in us enough to risk their lives to try and keep information flowing to keep us safe. Some of them had their lives destroyed in the process. Some of them are dead. I sent them out to die. That blood is on my hands, and it never had to be. I don't care what the excuses are. I know this game well enough to play against the Club, do the dance so well that Shaw and his cronies would have believed Wisdom was nothing but our enemies. I could have done that without feeding them lives, even used that to try and keep Amanda from sliding down that slope Wisdom sent her on.

So now I'm a murderer again. Worse, I'm a tool for a higher purpose. That's the excuse they made when they made Gambit; it was for the good of the United States. What could be more noble? Killing for the dream. Is that what I tell the widows? The children? I got your father killed needlessly, but at least we brought down some bad people?

I'm broken, Charles. Crippled. All I've got is the barest hold on my soul that I've been clawing for since the monster in my head woke up. Now, everything turns out to be a lie. Only luck stopped this from being a true bloodbath. Remember that before you celebrate. Only luck.

I won't go back down the path to Gambit, Charles. I won't be used like that, no matter how justified you think your ideals are. You manipulated a lot of people, and they paid the price for it. A debt of pain that most of it could have been avoided. You promised this was the better place, Charles.

But I can't trust you. Not now, maybe never again. I don't know whether or not you're willing to sacrifice your people again without giving them the right to make the choice. If you can't trust me; if all I am to you is a useful tool in whatever goal you've set, I won't do it. I won't go back to being him, even if it means walking away from all I have.

Why couldn't you just told me at the start I was only worth that? Why did you have to let me believe more?

--Remy LeBeau