The X-Project

To: [Reply All]
Subject: Re. . . . what.

This unseemly jealousy over my superior skills of oration suits you not at all. My English is perfectly fine. It is simply required to convey thoughts which defy any sort of comprehension whatsoever.

However: yes. That is precisely what I believe. For while my father may be in general terms an inoffensive, nay, even decent human being in spite of his cunning business sense who would never have devised such an inhumane punishment of his own accord, my mother is not.

I find myself in an entirely uncertain position. On the one hand, I owe her my life, or at the very least that part which is no longer wracked with pain and the inevitable decay of my own mutation. On the other, she seems rather a cow.

This would be quite less the tricky decision had we ever in our lives exchanged words before.

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To: [reply all]
From: [King of Smug]

So, your sister's back. At least she's not holding over your head that she's the reason that you're no longer breathing through an ashtray. That would be awkward.

And dude. Your sister's hot. I fail to see where this is a downside.

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To: [Reply All]
Subject: Re. . . . what.

And dude. Your sister's hot. I fail to see where this is a downside.

Mate, I am aware you hail from what is technially the American South, about which I have heard so many fascinating tales, but those of us from civilized countries are encouraged not to focus upon such details in regards to those women possessing one or more parents in common with yourself.

Not that I should be surprised, as I well remember that hallucination you had.

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Well, no downside for me.

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to: [Reply All]
from: [Confused and unsure how to proceed]

Well. I on the other hand have discovered that you and your sister share some traits in common, being in that you lack appropriate tact. I'm surprised in that this seems to come from your father, that being the parent which you two share in common.

I also recieved an awkward formal apology. How nice. In other news, My roommate seems, I dunno, weird lately. Like, she invites me to go out with her than then gets seemingly upset (read even more polite) when I decline. As much as I appreciate the offer to go clubbing or be whisked away to foriegn parts unknown, I have stuff that I need to do. That, and I'm kind of soured on clubbing, or travel to foriegn parts.

I have no idea what to do with her, she seems unhappy no matter what I do. The stress is getting to me. I re-organized my closet this weekend.

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From: [Forge]

Hey, if no one's busy this weekend, the local art-house cinema's showing... something artsy. Distinctly not loud, crass, or oppressively American. Want to see if Crystal's up for just hanging out? For as much as I've worked with her, she's delightfully pleasant when not deluged by nonstop forceful personalities like Captain Kazoo.

WTF was up with that, anyway?

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From: [Marius]

Darling wife:

Define this "weird" of which you speak. You mean, perhaps, the repeated attempts at socialization with a flatmate who was left raw and accursed by many within the school's environs after an unfortunate journal post made in the heat of the moment?

I know naught of the intricate workings of the female mind. However, if is is your belief she is behaving in such a peculiar manner, and more, incurring undue stress because of it, I have a radical suggestion: direct communication. Talking. Conversation. Discourse. Surely she cannot be wholly unreceptive. And sooner or later you shall run out of things to organize.

(Which in Crystal's defense I must say is not a bit weird in itself, but no worries. It is a quirk we come to love. Or do after the need for order is hammered into us at great length.)

But perhaps that's just me.

As for my father, I am convinced he either carries many fell and mysterious genes, or his choice in women is highly indicative of some deeper, unexpressed yet ever-present Issue. Lack of contact with his wife restricts me from solid speculation, although my own mother indicates that something is, shall we say, "interesting." And even I have enough awareness of social awkwardness to ensure any theories shall never, ever be put to proof.

He possessed of suspicious fixation on the non-organic:

I think this weekend is an excellent idea, as is the suggested company, as she has rescued me from pulmonary distress at least as many times as yourself. I am always receptive to all things artsy and foreign. Preferably done in French. Not only is that a required component of pretentious art, I have assurance that particular language is one that shall enable Crystal to feel comfortably superior. Along with myself, of course, but I require no outside impetus.

And Jen speaks French as well, though "speaks" as pronounced with the same intonation one would say "suffers." As I certainly do.

Now if only it wasn't necessary to schedule this bold outing around the hour-long lecture on medical ethics administered to all workers in the Medlab and which I do not, in fact, require, as 1) I have been on the receiving end often enough to know common courtesy and 2) I am the sodding janitor.

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From: [Forge]

Excellent. I'll check times and what's playing, and if Crystal's amenable. Mornings would work better, as at some time this weekend I am likely to be indisposed in the evening.

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to: [reply all]
from: [hey look at that, a headache]

Easy for you to say Marius, as you do not live with her. I know she makes overtures to have me be social, but I do not like clubbing or foriegn travel. Think really hard as to why.

Maybe I'm just a grumpy bitch. I don't know. Bad time of year for me. She might be better off living with someone who's more high class and less prone to organizing her shoes for a giggle.

(As to the French, suffer, baby, suffer)

Forge, I would love to see a movie. My social calendar is clear, and I'd rather not be around the next time this place turns into a zoo with the sock sliding and kazooing and the screaming.

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From: [It has long been my nickname]

I would say then that you suggest to her activities less abhorent to your personal predelictions lest you continue to get undesired invitations.

Behold as I entirely fail to acknowledge a certain cruel barb in your comment.

You will recall I understand well the significance of this time of year. Nonetheless, I am easily bored by strife. And you must admit it is rather unfair to speak of the other person rather than to.

You are being unreasonable. And now, for your punishment, I dance at you.

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to: [Reply all]
From: [this marriage will never be consumated]

The movie is a step in the right direction, yes? Yes? Forge, quick, what are we seeing? I may be a terrible human being but you cannot accuse me of not trying!

You insulted my French, buddy boy. Also, speaking of a person isntead of to, wasn't that the reason for ths entire email? Hey pot, there's a kettle on the back courtesy phone for you.

"Why do you never tell your problems to Marius, Jennie?" "Because he dances at me, that's why."

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From: [Promises, promises]

It was indeed the reason. Because I, my darling, am an enormous hypocrite. I have always found a certain peace in that realization. As such I say to you the whinging is quite pointless if you've taken no steps to rectify the cause.

Lady's choice, of course.

However, until such a decision is reached you may considering the dancing indefinite.

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from: [only in your dreams]

...I'm rectifying! The movie is rectifying! I just wonder if she wouldn't be happier on her own. The whole reason she stayed was to find out what happened to me, and I feel responsible in a way for her unhappiness. Which I only exacerbate... and I stop with the emo before you start dancing again.

In fact, I say this calls for a pelting with a stuffed animal. You are so getting sheeped.

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From: [Or, if past incidents are any indication, Forge's]

Let the sheep come, for as you only resort to it when you know I'm right I can die knowing my victory has been assured.

Alas that I am from Brisbane rather than New Zealand. Otherwise this experience would be quite enjoyable.

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from: [It's tough being so pretty and untouchable]

Gloating is so unattractive, you know.

You're a rugby player. Getting belted upside the head is your idea of fun friday afternoon.

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