xp_communication | IM conversation between Doug and Angie

...about fears Doug is _not_ willing to face, and thoughts stirred up by Shinobi and Marie's reactions to the Paige/Angelo/Jono situation, and so forth. This one isn't much fun.

XCypherDoug: Hey.
xtarot: Hi. I am not -really- under the bed. :) But if you have cookies.
XCypherDoug: I have some double chocolate cookies.
xtarot: Mmm. Double chocolate cookies are good.
XCypherDoug: Especially double chocolate cookies from Costco.
XCypherDoug: Ditto double chocolate muffins.
xtarot: Okay. I will defer to your superior knowledge of those.
XCypherDoug: I'll get some for you, then you can see for yourself how good they are. :)
xtarot: Okay. :)
XCypherDoug: You're going to do fine with the bass guitar.
XCypherDoug: No need to worry.
XCypherDoug: And we won't force you to join PCiF if you don't want to.
xtarot: I am worried I will be really bad.
xtarot: But if I am not really bad and you -and- Jamie and Jono and Alison want me to join...
XCypherDoug: I think it'd be fun.
xtarot: Performing scares me.
XCypherDoug: It shouldn't. It's loads of fun.
XCypherDoug: The trick is to stop caring what people think.
xtarot: Now is the time when I am supposed to say something like "We had this conversation about dancing and clubbing", right?
xtarot: Only, in reverse?
XCypherDoug: I think we might have. I've been getting better about dancing and stuff now that I look at it like I look at performing.
xtarot: Bein sur. Of course, I would get hoist on my own arguements. ;)
xtarot: Bien. Blasted typos.
XCypherDoug: Well, that's a function of being up at 3AM, love. Insomnia sucks.
xtarot: Yes, it does. Worse when you know why you have it and what it means. I am probably going to have dreams. Uck.
XCypherDoug: *hugs*
XCypherDoug: Anything I can do to help?
xtarot: *hugs back*
xtarot: I do not know. :(
xtarot: The regular dreams are not too bad, but the nightmares are ... bad. Very bad. Scary bad.
XCypherDoug: Okay. If you think of anything, tell me.
xtarot: Remind me that I put up with this for a good reason?
XCypherDoug: Why's that?
xtarot: Because of Alex. Because one of my dreams finally helped someone.
XCypherDoug: *nods*
xtarot: And I will put up with a thousand blasted nightmares about Manuel and Mr. Marko and firebirds and armies of robots or bugs or clones for that to happen again.
XCypherDoug: I love you.
xtarot: I love you too.
XCypherDoug: Just thought I'd remind you. :)
xtarot: That was random. ;) Welcome, but random. I like being reminded.
XCypherDoug: Well, it was brought on by you talking about putting up with all the nightmares to help people. You're a good person, and I'm so lucky to have you in my life.
xtarot: The nightmares scare me, but they do not cause me harm. I can deal with that if it means preventing something like Angelo getting burnt or if it means helping find Alex...
xtarot: something like that.
XCypherDoug: *nods* You are amazing.
xtarot: No, not really. I am just me.
XCypherDoug: :) I think you are amazing.
xtarot: You know I am blushing now, yes?
XCypherDoug: Aw. *hugs*
xtarot: *hugs back*
xtarot: So. ... did you have a reason for IMing me, or was this just a random message?
XCypherDoug: Just a random message.
xtarot: So, not related to my request for an explanation at all?
XCypherDoug: Um.
xtarot: That is not a word.
XCypherDoug: Um is a completely valid word.
xtarot: Is it a stalling tactic.
xtarot: It is, that is.
xtarot: My English is lacking.
XCypherDoug: Yes.
xtarot: Why are you stalling? What are you stalling about?
XCypherDoug: Fears that I'm _not_ willing to face.
xtarot: Are you willing to talk about them?
xtarot: To .. anyone? Dr. Samson? Me? Marie?
XCypherDoug: I...don't know. I don't think so. I don't know how to explain them. I don't know how to bring up the subject without feeling intensely silly. And I feel...stupid, for even thinking about things.
XCypherDoug: Because they are things that will never happen, anyway.
XCypherDoug: It's complicated.
xtarot: Now .. I am confused.
xtarot: I am very confused.
XCypherDoug: It has to do with some emails I got today.
XCypherDoug: From Shinobi and Marie.
xtarot: Okkay.
xtarot: Are they okay? Is something wrong?
XCypherDoug: They're fine.
XCypherDoug: And nothing's really wrong.
xtarot: Oh. And.. so you are scared, because they are fine and nothing is wrong?
xtarot: That makes no sense.
XCypherDoug: The emails had to do with other people. And they brought up a subject that prompted thoughts that scare me.
xtarot: Can you explain, or.. would it be invading their privacy?
XCypherDoug: I...don't know.
XCypherDoug: It has to do with Paige and Angelo and Jono.
xtarot: oh. Did she finally tell one of them that she chose?
XCypherDoug: No.
xtarot: *sigh* That is going to be very vexing, very fast.
XCypherDoug: What, the saga of Paige? Or me being monosyllabic about things? :-/
xtarot: Paige refusing to chose and let one of those poor boys just have a life of his own instead of stringing them along.
xtarot: I am used to you being monosyllabic. :)
XCypherDoug: And are you used to me running away to bed because I am right to feel scared and stupid?
xtarot: Why are you scared?
xtarot: and you are not stupid.
XCypherDoug: Because of some things Shinobi and Marie said about the situation.
XCypherDoug: And yes I am.
XCypherDoug: I am so very stupid.
xtarot: You are not stupid!
XCypherDoug: Yes I am.
xtarot: Why?
XCypherDoug: Because of thinking about things that would never happen because of the things Shinobi and Marie said.
XCypherDoug: I should just let them go.
xtarot: That is the most circular arguement I have ever heard.
XCypherDoug: Shinobi and Marie said some things about the whole situation with Paige.
XCypherDoug: Those things got me to thinking. About things that will never happen.
XCypherDoug: And I am stupid, because I should just not think about them, since they will never happen.
xtarot: ...
xtarot: Oh.
XCypherDoug: Oh?
xtarot: ... I am not sure.. how to respond.
XCypherDoug: And I think I should just go curl up in bed and feel stupid.
XCypherDoug: Because I am.
xtarot: You are just thinking about it and not actually doing anything?
XCypherDoug: No.
XCypherDoug: But I shouldn't even be thinking about it.
xtarot: Why?
xtarot: I mean, I know why.
xtarot: but.. I want to hear your reasons why.
XCypherDoug: Why I shouldn't be thinking about it?
xtarot: Yes.
xtarot: I know why I want you not to think about it, but I do not know why you want to not think about it. Did that make sense?
XCypherDoug: Because I had a hunch what your reaction to the whole subject would be (and I don't mean that in an accusatory way, just stating fact). And I'm scared that you'll be upset with me because I've thought about it. And that I'm going to ruin something very good in my life by being stupid.
xtarot: I am not pleased. That is true. I am worried and upset and .. . I do not know what to think. But your thoughts are you own. Not mine.
Session Start (AIM - XCypherDoug:xtarot): Tue Apr 13 03:33:52 2004
xtarot: If you are hiding, I am ... oh. There you are.
XCypherDoug: I'm not hiding. IM program crashed momentarily.
XCypherDoug: Even though I _want_ to hide.
xtarot: Good.
xtarot: Hiding... will get me angry.
XCypherDoug: This is why I didn't want to think about it, or talk about it.
xtarot: It does not solve anything. You ... if you did not want to tlalk about it why did you mention fears you do not want to face?
XCypherDoug: Every instinct I have right now is telling me to hide, Marie-Ange. Because I feel like I'm screwing up.
XCypherDoug: And...I mentioned that because I'm stupid and can't hide anything from anyone.
xtarot: It is not as if I am poking around in your future to see if you are going to go dump me so you can follow Em or PAige around like a puppy.
XCypherDoug: Especially not you.
XCypherDoug: Paige isn't the problem. I know I'm way out of that picture, and I don't mind just being her friend.
xtarot: I note a lack of Em in that sentence.
XCypherDoug: Yeah.
XCypherDoug: That would be the me being stupid part.
XCypherDoug: It's not like she thinks of me that way anyway.
xtarot: Are you planning on dumping me so you can follow her around like a puppy?
XCypherDoug: No.
xtarot: Are you sure?
XCypherDoug: Why can't I just get over her?
XCypherDoug: Why can't I just be happy with the amazing girl I have in my life?
xtarot: I don't know. Why can't I stop hearing Manuel's voice whenever you want to go have private time? I don't know!
XCypherDoug: Why am I screwing this up?
xtarot: You are not screwing this up any more than I am!
XCypherDoug: It feels like I am.
XCypherDoug: Sorry. *sigh* I guess I'm in a bit of a mood.
xtarot: Because you like blaming yourself for everything!
XCypherDoug: Yes.
xtarot: Stop.
XCypherDoug: It seems to be one of the few things I'm good at.
xtarot: You know I am about five inches from pulling out the deck and checking and I do not want to because I will get a migraine and then I WILL Be miserable.
XCypherDoug: Checking on what? Whether I'll leave you for Marie? I wouldn't.
xtarot: Then why are you so worried.
xtarot: ?
XCypherDoug: Because I still have these thoughts. And I can't get them out of my head.
xtarot: Tell Doctor Samson.
XCypherDoug: *sigh*
xtarot: If you stopped going, we are going to have a very loud talk in the morning.
XCypherDoug: I was doing fine until the Thoughts That Shouldn't Have Been Thought popped up.
xtarot: Is there anything I can do or say to convince you to stop being a... a.. merdre de tête about this?
XCypherDoug: I don't know.
XCypherDoug: Sorry.
xtarot: *wince* Ow. I have to go to bed. My head is screaming, and ... i just do not know what to think. If you are not going to leave me for Marie, we can worry about the rest later.
XCypherDoug: Okay.
xtarot: Je t'aime.
xtarot: (signs off)
XCypherDoug: Yeah. Love you too, Angie. *sigh*
XCypherDoug: (signs off)