E-Mail to Jay

[x-wither.livejournal.com]

To: [Crazy]
From: [Confused]
Subject: No, seriously, what gives?

I'm at work, which is probably good because it's keeping the swearing at bay. Seriously, what is your issue? Angel's my friend. Yes, she's a girl. Yes, she's a cute girl. So what? Why are you freaking out because I kissed her on the cheek in a completely not meaning anything way? Why is this even something I should have told you?

-Kevin

Comments

[x-wither.livejournal.com]

To: [Mine]
From: [Yours]
Subject: YOU'RE everything

It's not like I withheld the information on purpose. It didn't matter to me so it didn't register as something to tell. And I know stuff matters to you that doesn't to me but it's hard to figure out what will and what won't. What do you want me to do, start pouring my heart out all the time? It gets repetitive and probably whiny and I don't even really know how to without just feeling like an ass or a sideshow or something.

Past couple years I haven't had anything important. I've got no home and nothing that was part of that life. All I've got is this stupid place I don't want to be but I've gotta be at because the courts said so. It's not like I keep much of my art, y'know? But, well, I've got you. And you're the only thing I've got that's worth having and that's why I don't talk about us. That's why I'm quiet about it. 'Cause it's mine and it's all I've got that's worth having and I don't want to share it. Not even the parts about it that sucks.

Besides, what they think don't matter. Even if they want to look or fantasize or whatever it is that they're doing (that, still, I'd rather not know about). It's not like they understand. They don't get what it'd be like to try to be with me. They don't really grasp what they'd have to give up. They don't understand that sometimes panic attacks come at really inopportune moments because I freak out about hurting you. It ain't a matter of not being with one of them because I'm with you. I wouldn't be with one of them anyway. 'Cause who else would ever actually be able to handle all the stuff that comes with me? I don't want to be their eye candy but I'm never going to be more than that because I can almost guarantee not a single one of them would be able or willing to deal with all the fine print. You're not just willing to. You want to. I don't think any of them would. I wouldn't be worth the effort to anyone else. I don't really care, though. I've got who I want. Hell, I'll start telling people I'm gay if it'd make you feel better.