Email to Terry, then Kevin

[x-icarus.livejournal.com]

To:[Terry]
From:[BBFF]
Subject: Updates

I broke up with him Sunday. Sorry you got this later. Just been pre occupied and stuff. Wanna go out and do something fun?

---

To:[Ford]
From:[GMC]
Subject: You & Me

Hey, havn't seen you at all around the suite. I just wanted to, you know, say hey. Let ya know I still care about whats going on.

-wings

Comments

[x-wither.livejournal.com]

To:[Guthrie, J.]
From:[Ford, K.]
Subject: That doesn't actually exist

Well I told you I wouldn't be around the suite for a while. You gave up all rights to be informed of anything going on when you broke up with me. You don't get to keep that spot once you vacate it.

-K.F.

[x-icarus.livejournal.com]

To:[grouchy]
From:[not grouchy at all]
Subject: As friends, it should.

Kevin, I was just asking how you were. It wasn't like you cared for me to keep that spot because you didn't really say anything. You make it sound like you don't want to be friends now or something. And that's not really fair. Just because we arn't together, doesn't mean I don't care. I told you I still love you so why you gotta be that way? I'm not asking for much. Just to know how you're doing.

-Wings.

[x-wither.livejournal.com]

To:[Guthrie, J.]
From:[Ford, K.]
Subject: Except we never were

What would have been the point? Your mind was made up and it's what you want. There isn't a point to fighting to keep something that doesn't want to be kept. How is it fair for you to want to be all concerned with how I am now? We weren't ever friends Jay. Actually, I remember avoiding you a whole lot because you liked to intentionally try to send me into panic attacks. That's not a friendship and the only time friendship existed was within something else. Something that's been burnt to the ground now.

If you had loved me leaving wouldn't have been the answer you came to. Drop the act.

-K.F.

[x-icarus.livejournal.com]

To:[grouchy]
From:[getting there]
Subject: YOu have to be friends first to be lovers, not the other way around.

How is this an act? You're something if you think this is an act. Obviously ya weren't listening with what I told you when we talked. You missed the whole point.

If you wanted to be with someone, you'd fight tooth and nail, just like I've been doing for a long time in our relationship, to keep them. Why do you think we always fought in the first place? Godamnit Kevin, all the time it's a struggle with you. All I want is for you and me to be happy in some way or another, and I could only think of this one way to make it there.

Screw you if you think this is an act. Think what you want, I know the way I am and I'm not like that.

I'm crazy about you, you stupid Jerk.

-wings.

[x-wither.livejournal.com]

To:[Guthrie, J.]
From:[Ford, K.]
Subject: We never did things the "right" way

Oh, I got the point. You love me. It hurts to look at me. I turn you into a horrible person you don't want to be. You left. 'Bout sums it up, don't it?

You ever stop to think I'm just not like you and I don't react the same way to things? You want to know why you were the only one who ever seemed to start fights? Because even when you did stuff that annoyed the hell out of me or drove me up the wall it ultimately didn't matter to me. I let it go. Because it wasn't as important to me as other stuff. The fact I wasn't starting fights wasn't me not caring. It was me picking what mattered to me, which was you.

I was happy. But you weren't. So you did what will make you happy. I'm fine with that. I told you then, I don't want you to hate yourself. But don't expect me to pretend I'm happy about it when I'm not and I probably won't ever be happy about it.

Funny way of showing it.

-K.F.

[x-icarus.livejournal.com]

To:[grouchy]
From:[getting there]
Subject: Yeah that's us freaks.

I don't like who I am right now. I want to like myself later, contribute something to us but I can't do it with being all needy all over you and being some stupid fuck a hundred percent of the time. Listening to people call me a 'girl' doesn't make me feel a whole lot better either. I need to sort out me and maybe you can sort out whether you're bi, gay, straight or whatever you are. Love don't have eyes for other people.

I'm sorry your mad about it, but don't go putting words into my mouth. Please. You know I'm not like that. I can't be like you all the time. I can't be that solid rock that doesn't need anyone. I'm a lot more affectionate than you and I just think I got annoying most of the time for you. LIke I said, I need to sort myself out and what Im doing. Regardless, I still love you. Being mean to me won't change that.

[x-wither.livejournal.com]

To:[Guthrie, J.]
From:[Ford, K.]
Subject: Thought you weren't a freak?

I will never understand what your problem with my sexuality is! Yes, I'm straight. So what? So. Fucking. What? That didn't change anything for me. I fell in love with you anyway. Only person I've ever loved and it was you. And I don't understand why me being straight mattered to you more than me being in love with you did. You're gay but I didn't care how many guys you might have been friends with or talking to or whatever. You were mine. That's all that mattered to me.

I didn't put any words in your mouth. And I never asked you to be a rock. I remember asking you to just talk to me. I remember telling you that if you wanted me around to just say something, 'cause I would've been there. I get really absorbed in my art, and you know this. Having a job, having friends, none of that took me away any more than I already would have been away because I default to art. And yeah, I forget the time. And I just don't realize things or they don't occur to me to consider. But all you had to do is say "Kevin I want you here right now" and I'd have always been there unless I really couldn't be.

I'm sorry that I'm oblivious and I'm sorry that with the exception of you that I like girls and I'm sorry that I'm not telepathic so I couldn't know what I was doing or not doing that bugged you before it got too much for you because you didn't bring it up much and when you did ultimately you kissed me and the fight went out of both of us when you did 'cause when you kiss me I can't think of anything else. I'm sorry I was a miserable, awful boyfriend. But don't think for a second that I didn't really love you or that I ever had eyes for anyone else. I got playful with people when I was in a really good mood, but I NEVER wanted anyone but who I had. And I never wanted to not be touching you, but you knew what I was to begin with. You knew I wouldn't risk you. And you got involved anyway. I knew it wouldn't be enough, because how could it ever be enough for anyone when they could have someone else who could touch them like a normal person? And you did it anyway and I was right. I'm sorry I wasn't willing to risk hurting you just so I could have more of what I wanted. But I'm not sorry that I wouldn't hurt you because of what I am.

But don't expect me to be able to be nice. I'm not trying to mean so I'm sorry I am. Try dangling a steak just out of reach of a starving dog. See how nice that dog is to you. He don't mean to be but it's cruel to wave exactly what he wants and what he needs in front of him and then tell him that he can't have it. So stop doing it to me.

[x-icarus.livejournal.com]

To:[grouchy]
From:[getting there]
Subject: we're not and you know it.

I'm not dangling in front of you. I just told you, I need to figure out me. I wish I could do it with you but I can't. I can't be this way all the time with you. I don't want to hate you, or hate myself Kevin. I love you. Don't push me away for that. I need to figure out stuff for me, sort everything out and maybe we can get back together once I've got it all worked out. But if you're not willing to wait, then I understand. I wouldn't ask you to wait, but I need to change a lot of things about myself before we're anything, because we keep going into some kinda cycle becauseof me. I'm needy, I get that and it's annoying and I'm working to change it. But I can't change itwhen we're together.

I never siad you was a miserable awful boyfriend. We just struggled a whole hell of a lot. I didn't like where we were going, where I was heading with everything you did. I want to treat you better, treat myself better and to do that, I need time to sort things out. I don't want to be like this. Everything I do, I live and breath you and all I get is being mad fun of and called a girl for it.

If you gotta push the only person who loves you away because he needs to figure his shit out, then I guess I can't do anything to stop you but I sure as hell can plead my case. All this bullshit between us just got to an overwhelming poiint and I'd had enough. It was never to do with your powers, so don't take that and run wild with it because it ain't it. There is so much passion between us that you can't put a cork on it without causing shit to hit the fan. I don't want you to be sorry for anything, I just want to be your friend. But if you can't do that, then I don't know. Maybe it was a mistake breaking up, but I don't think so. because inthe long run, when I figure shit out with me, I'd be in a much better position for you.

-Jay

[x-wither.livejournal.com]

To:[Guthrie, J.]
From:[Ford, K.]
Subject: Speak for yourself

Your problem isn't being needy. Your problem is irrational jealousy and not being able to trust the person you're with. Your problem is blowing things out of proportion and letting your imagination turn it into something it's not. And your problem is not talking about problems until they're too big for you to bear. And I guess your problem was living and breathing me. Destruction ain't ever something you should live for.

Figure it out, but I can't be your friend. I'm sorry but I can't. I can't see you but not have you. I don't know how to. The thought of trying to be your friend is harder than the thought of not having anything. I'd rather be empty than be taunted by shadows. It'd be like having a really bad print of a breathtaking painting. A print with blurred, streaky lines so you can only kind of make out the figures that are so clear in the original.

I can't be around you. I can't pretend to be your friend. I can't talk to you. You made the choice that was best for you and this is the choice that's best for me. I can't have you in my life. Not at all. Not ever again. 'Cause if you tried to come back I don't think I'd be strong enough to say no and when you left again it'd just be worse.

[x-icarus.livejournal.com]

To:[Take my wings and fly]
From:[Because I need to be grounded]
Subject: Bullshit.

You just take sincere words and turn them into something bad and I won't have it Kevin Ford. I won't. I'm sorry it's gonna be that way between us. I really really am. Guess that means you're moving out and I can't do nothing about it. I won't try convincing you either, because it won't do us no good.

But know this. I still love you and that's all there is to it. I won't bug you anymore.

-Wings

[x-wither.livejournal.com]

To:[Guthrie, J.]
From:[Ford, K.]
Subject: Not really

I don't want you to love me. Purge me from your system, get over me, move on and find someone who can be what you want and what you need. 'Cause it obviously ain't me. I don't want you wasting your time loving me.

[x-icarus.livejournal.com]

To:[Loved]
From:[Beloved]
subject: Yes really.

Whatever Kev.