xp_communication | to: Ramsey, Doug / to: Summers, Scott / to: Sefton, Amanda

to: Ramsey, Doug
from: D'Ancato, Marie
subject: Letter

I appreciate that you wrote me. I don't know what to say right now. I want to be supportive of you and, trust me, I intend to be. I just feel like I'm the one who's hurt /you/ in some ways. I'm almost afraid to speak without going through someone else because I don't want something I say to set you back right now. If you want to talk to me, I will, but only with someone you're already comfortable with. Fair? This will get better. I promise.

Marie

to: Summers, Scott
from: D'Ancato, Marie
subject: Movie

Dear ~~Fearless Leader~~ ~~Big brother~~ ~~Ratfink~~ Scott,
You owe me a movie. From bloody /July/. Pay up soon or be kidnapped. You pick, I'll drive.

Em

to: Sefton, Amanda
from: D'Ancato, Marie
subject: Life/Universe/Everything

First. You are awesome for going to stick by Paige. I've been worried about her no end lately. She's not herself. And she's nowhere near as good at faking it as she thinks she is, I'm just smart enough not to let her know that I know. If I can help at all, let me know, okay? And you're probably /just/ the right person right now, so none of that other talk.

I guess from your note that we woke you at some point. I'm sorry. I had you pegged for a light sleeper but thought you were tired enough that we wouldn't wake you if we kept our voices down. He is a good man, at least to me. No one else really sees it, that's all.

You're welcome here any time, Amanda. I like you and not getting rid of you is good with me.

~~Love~~Trust,
Marie

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

x-cypher.livejournal.com

To: D'Ancato, Marie
From: Ramsey, Doug

Marie-

I think it's okay not to know what to say. _I_ don't know what to say. I probably went through about twelve drafts before managing to get that letter in some semblance of order, and sliding it under your door was still one of the hardest things I've ever done.

It means a lot that you want to be supportive of me. Like I said, I think the thing I was most scared of is that I had burned my bridges with you.

You haven't hurt me. Please believe that. I'm scared that _I_ hurt _you_.

I do want to talk to you, I promise. I just...still get this really bad nervous cramp in my stomach every time I think about it. Doctor Samson offered to mediate for us talking if I wanted. I don't know if I need a little more time though, to get to a point where I don't want to throw up just thinking about being in the same room with you.

I want this to get better. I'm scared. Because I'm lonely, and it hurts even more because I feel like it's my own stupid fault.

Thank you for writing back. It...means a lot to me.

-Doug Ramsey

From:

x-rogue.livejournal.com

Dear Doug,

How did you know about the "Hope"? I don't use that on anything.

And, whenever you're ready to see me, I guess. If that means Dr. Samson, then I'll come sit in. And if you throw up, well, I'll hold your hand and get you water afterward, but I'd rather you didn't have to go through that.

You didn't hurt me, Doug. The potion did. Okay?

It's not your fault. Shit happens, Doug, and we get over it and move on. This will get better. If we want, it'll even make us stronger.

Em

From:

x-cypher.livejournal.com

Marie-

re: "Hope", I'd like to claim it was because of my l33t hacker genius or something, but it was when I snooped in your bookshelf while trying to figure out what to get you for Christmas. God, that seems so long ago in some ways.

And I appreciate you being willing to wait until I'm ready. I think Doctor Samson would probably be best in most ways. Less emotional involvement on his part.

And I haven't puked. I just...wind up choking it back. Which burns, but it usually fits my mood when it happens.

It's really hard not to blame myself. Especially for being weak. I kinda cried a bit when you replied to my other post. Because in your room, I _didn't_ do the best right thing for that moment. I don't understand why you still trust me. _I_ don't trust me.

...It's kinda funny. We're not exactly talking, but I still can't do anything but be honest. That 'no facades' promise I made still holds me. Guess it's just the way I am.

-Doug

P.S.- In the interest of complete honesty, I noticed the way you signed the email. I guess I've been hiding behind formality. Hence the middle name thing. It's because I don't feel like I have the right to call people I hurt by nicknames. Angie had to do some pretty serious convincing to get me to call her 'Angie' again. Kinda silly, I guess. But I noticed. -D

From:

x-rogue.livejournal.com

Doug, /you/ didn't hurt me. And. God. *sighs* We all fuck up, Doug. Some of the people I love most in this life have hurt me, but the worst thing in EVERY CASE has been when I lost them because they didn't want to face what they did. Don't you get that?

You mattered to me before. You were a good friend and you were important to me. That didn't just change because of some bloody potion. What more do any of us have to lose over it? It was an accident, a mistake, a dumb idea gone horribly wrong and I will be DAMNED if I am going to let something like that eat me us up. We are better than that, both of us.

When the spell broke, after I was calmed a little, and I put things together... all I wanted was for the evidence to be wrong, for it not to be your fault. Even with what I knew and all my horrible panic and hysteria in my head, I tried to hold on to who I knew you were and the fact that I didn't know, there had to be something I was missing, something that would prove it wasn't you. And it's not.

It wasn't your fault. And I am not giving up. I didn't give up on Bobby or Logan or Amanda. I nearly died getting John home and I don't regret it, no matter what he did. I am stronger and better than anything life can throw in my face and so are you. I have faith in you.

Whenever you're ready, you let me know.

Love,
Em

From:

x-cypher.livejournal.com

Em-

There. Consider me whacked with the clue-by-four.

I am so glad you're not giving up on me.

God, I want nothing more than to just come cry on you right now and try to be done with this whole craziness. But part of me is just scared it's too soon, and I'm all over the place, and I don't know what's the right thing to do, or which end is up. So I sit here crying on my laptop instead because I can't move for second-guessing myself.

-Doug