Email to Scott

[x-cynosure.livejournal.com]

To: [Scott]
From: [Jean-Paul]
Subject: Pool date

Scott,

I won't be making it to Harry's this week. Nathan is having a rough night, so I am going to stay in and try to distract him a bit. I don't suppose you will go easy on me next time for missing a session in a good cause?

Jean-Paul

Comments

Reply

[x-cyclops.livejournal.com]

Now, what fun would that be? Good cause or not. Although I may feel the tiniest bit guilty when I'm beating you the next time.

-S

[x-cynosure.livejournal.com]

To: [Scott]
From: [Jean-Paul]
Subject: re: Pool date

You're all heart. Promise you'll deliver my eulogy after Nathan shoots me and weights me down in the lake?

Jean-Paul

Reply

[x-cyclops.livejournal.com]

Question - if you're that sure Nathan will shoot you (although I will point out that I don't think the man even owns a gun anymore), why are you being that persistent?

-S

Re: Reply

[x-cynosure.livejournal.com]

To: [Scott]
From: [Jean-Paul]
Subject: re: Pool date

My conscience has apparently come out of hibernation. And if things come to the worst and you should find me with the spring thaw, no great loss. Maybe my next incarnation will get the hint that I am not exactly cut out for this human interaction business.

Jean-Paul

Reply

[x-cyclops.livejournal.com]

Ah, I see. Are you being troubled by a repeating motif, possibly?

-S

Re: Reply

[x-cynosure.livejournal.com]

In all honesty? Terrified. The list of people I have let down is not so long, I suppose, but I have not had so many that I cared to keep track of. The common factor is that I always manage to fail where it most matters. It is not a talent I am proud of. If I had any other help to offer him tonight, I would do it and run back to my room. Alas, he's stuck with me.

Jean-Paul

Reply

[x-cyclops.livejournal.com]

I know a little too much about what it feels like to feel like you've led people you care for down. I can attribute at least two of my nervous breakdowns to that. But if you've done, or are doing what you can - you need to try and forgive yourself. Otherwise things can get very ugly, and I'd hate to see you going down that road. That road has lousy scenery.

-S

Reply

[x-cynosure.livejournal.com]

I think we must have some of the same maps in the glovebox.

I am not good with forgiveness, not for myself or for others, and I don't have it in me to be so charitable tonight. I'll settle for not fucking up.

Thank you, though. I know it's early in the evening for honesty and you did not even get a beer out of it this time.

Jean-Paul

Re: Reply

[x-cyclops.livejournal.com]

If I could make photocopies of my past experiences in such situations and pass them around as teaching aids, I would.

One last point, however - what you expect of yourself, in certain situations, may not be what the other person involved expects of you. It's one thing not to be able to be what they need. It's another to concuss yourself against your own high standards.

-S