Email to Amanda
Mar. 15th, 2004 11:46 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
x-cable.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
xp_communicationTo: Sefton, Amanda
From: Dayspring, Nathan
Subject: the chatty mood... it continues...
Hope there's no cold water on the schedule for today? It's a beautiful day over here, feels almost like spring. Of course, I wasn't nearly so chipper when the birds in the tree outside Moira's window woke me up with their racket at dawn, but in retrospect I have some admiration for their enthusiasm.
I don't know what's with me, really, in terms of spilling my guts to people around here. When I first arrived I figured I had to be honest about who I was and why I probably wasn't the best person to have around a whole school of kids, but it seems like every time I talk to someone I catch myself saying more and more. This really isn't like me. I'm so used to keeping secrets, internalizing stuff... it's been a job requirement, hell, a survival requirement for so long. Yet here I go again...
What you told me about how you grew up in your last letter... I know this might sound like fake empathizing, but I'll let you judge for yourself. My idiot parents were members of what you might call a Social Darwinist cult, so I got out as soon as I could. I think I was about twelve when I ran. I'm not positive, because they weren't much on celebrating birthdays. (They preferred to do things like dropping me fifty miles away from the commune in the dead of winter and timing me to see how fast I could get back. I was about five the first time that happened...)
Anyhow, I wound up spending a couple of years on the street before I got picked up by Child Services, and then some bitch of a social worker I would still like to hunt down and kill someday handed me over to the government when she found out I was a mutant. I was put into this program that trained us for black ops--that's where the empathic conditioning came from. They wanted us to be able to kill without any inconvenient attacks of conscience, and to be fanatically loyal to the program and our teammates. Which backfired on them in my case, but we don't need to get into that.
I guess what I'm saying is that I do understand, at least a little. Once you've been used like that, it's hard to shake. Hard to trust, too. I got... set in my ways, I guess you'd say, so I'm still struggling with it all these years later. I can be your example of how not to handle it, if you want. Call me your anti-role model.
Shit, this is a thoroughly depressing letter already, and I haven't even touched on the subject of Manuel yet. I heard he had something to do with this Kwannon thing, but I didn't know they'd locked him up. I do feel badly for him, you know (between moments of feeling scared utterly shitless by him). Hope you're right about this place being able to help him, because I'd hate to see him grow up into an empath like the ones I knew.
As for the wild monkey sex... that's a really disturbing image, you know? I have to confess I didn't take your advice (I don't handle physical contact very well, yet another 'gift' from my good friends in the program), but it might give you a moment of glee to know that I'm still staying in Moira's rooms. Just don't start cooing at us like Angie does, though...
Nate
From: Dayspring, Nathan
Subject: the chatty mood... it continues...
Hope there's no cold water on the schedule for today? It's a beautiful day over here, feels almost like spring. Of course, I wasn't nearly so chipper when the birds in the tree outside Moira's window woke me up with their racket at dawn, but in retrospect I have some admiration for their enthusiasm.
I don't know what's with me, really, in terms of spilling my guts to people around here. When I first arrived I figured I had to be honest about who I was and why I probably wasn't the best person to have around a whole school of kids, but it seems like every time I talk to someone I catch myself saying more and more. This really isn't like me. I'm so used to keeping secrets, internalizing stuff... it's been a job requirement, hell, a survival requirement for so long. Yet here I go again...
What you told me about how you grew up in your last letter... I know this might sound like fake empathizing, but I'll let you judge for yourself. My idiot parents were members of what you might call a Social Darwinist cult, so I got out as soon as I could. I think I was about twelve when I ran. I'm not positive, because they weren't much on celebrating birthdays. (They preferred to do things like dropping me fifty miles away from the commune in the dead of winter and timing me to see how fast I could get back. I was about five the first time that happened...)
Anyhow, I wound up spending a couple of years on the street before I got picked up by Child Services, and then some bitch of a social worker I would still like to hunt down and kill someday handed me over to the government when she found out I was a mutant. I was put into this program that trained us for black ops--that's where the empathic conditioning came from. They wanted us to be able to kill without any inconvenient attacks of conscience, and to be fanatically loyal to the program and our teammates. Which backfired on them in my case, but we don't need to get into that.
I guess what I'm saying is that I do understand, at least a little. Once you've been used like that, it's hard to shake. Hard to trust, too. I got... set in my ways, I guess you'd say, so I'm still struggling with it all these years later. I can be your example of how not to handle it, if you want. Call me your anti-role model.
Shit, this is a thoroughly depressing letter already, and I haven't even touched on the subject of Manuel yet. I heard he had something to do with this Kwannon thing, but I didn't know they'd locked him up. I do feel badly for him, you know (between moments of feeling scared utterly shitless by him). Hope you're right about this place being able to help him, because I'd hate to see him grow up into an empath like the ones I knew.
As for the wild monkey sex... that's a really disturbing image, you know? I have to confess I didn't take your advice (I don't handle physical contact very well, yet another 'gift' from my good friends in the program), but it might give you a moment of glee to know that I'm still staying in Moira's rooms. Just don't start cooing at us like Angie does, though...
Nate
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Subject: Re: Chattiness is infectious.
Date: 2004-03-15 05:23 pm (UTC)Apparently there are rules too magic, beyond the usual big spells will hurt like hell one I already knew. And a whole bunch of things to think about, before you even start thinking about casting. Like, what consequences will there be? You have to make sure you ain't going to fuck someone up by casting the spell, even by accident.
Wish I'd known about some of this stuff sooner. Like around the time I made that love potion.
There's something about the school that makes you do things you wouldn't normally. Like tell people stuff you don't even think about that much. I noticed it too - its a bit scary, ain't it? And the way they hand out trust like its sweets... it makes me wonder why they ain't broken in a million bits by now, with people taking advantage. Moira and me talked about it, and how once you break someone's trust it takes a lot of work to get back. Never thought I'd care about that, but I do, a lot. I hope I can make things better with certain people. And I hope that I don't fuck things up with the people who still are trusting me. Its hard, having that kind of responsibility; never did for so long, and now I got people who care and get hurt by what I do. Sometimes I get so scared I want to run for the hills and not come back.
But then Pete would hunt me down and give me a talking to. *grins* Which is a good thing. I ain't been able to tell him, but I'm really glad he's around, even if he's scary when he's pissed off at me.
I dunno, 'bout you being a bad example. Seems to me that anyone who got through you did, and still be able to care 'bout other people can't be that bad. *wry grin* One day we'll have too sit down and compare fucked-up 'families'. Sometimes I think they're more damaging than not, but then I come somewhere like here and its like a big family, with people looking out for each other. And Shinobi calls me his little sister and it makes me happy for some silly reason.
Gah. I've gotten soft as bloody putty, me.
You and Moira will sort stuff out. She's got it bad for you, any one can see it. But no cooing from me - I ain't that soft yet. *grins* I'll be cheering you two on from the sidelines, tho'. It's good too see the old folks having a spot of fun.
I know it's pretty quiet over there, but keep up the news? Its good to know what's going on.
A.