E-Mail to Jay

[x-wither.livejournal.com]

To: [Crazy]
From: [Confused]
Subject: No, seriously, what gives?

I'm at work, which is probably good because it's keeping the swearing at bay. Seriously, what is your issue? Angel's my friend. Yes, she's a girl. Yes, she's a cute girl. So what? Why are you freaking out because I kissed her on the cheek in a completely not meaning anything way? Why is this even something I should have told you?

-Kevin

Comments

[x-wither.livejournal.com]

To: [Completely Unaware]
From: [Completely Failing]
Subject: none

It's not the only part you can touch. It's just the only part you can touch without something else having to be over it. You know, I'm well aware of how much it must royally suck to be with me. This isn't something that's ever escaped my attention as much as you might think it has. I don't need the itemized list of stuff you can't have because you're with me, okay? I already know all of it.

But I didn't think you'd freak out, okay? I honestly didn't. Maybe I went slightly crazy and for a second forgot that I was king freak, even amidst the wide array of mutations here.

I'm not getting a big head over anything. Did you not understand that yet? It's weird to me. I'm not comfortable being told or even knowing. I thought I was invisible to them. I thought I was invisible to everyone and I don't know how I feel knowing I'm not. I liked being invisible.

I like just being yours. Only noticing that you see me. I don't like being told how "easy on the eyes" I am or that I should stop being so "gun shy" and let people in. I don't want to hear it. I was perfectly fucking content to ignore them, assume I was ignored, and just have you. Why don't you get that? I don't want them as anything more than friends and even that I'm iffy on most days.

[x-icarus.livejournal.com]

To: [maybe you do get it]
From: [slightly smiling]
Subject: none? still everything to me

Okay, okay. Maybe I was over reacting but it didn't sit well, only because I didn't know about it and I found out the hard way, through journals. I really don't like being the last person to know about stuff, but it keeps happening and makes me feel like shit a lotta times.

It doesnt' suck to be with you and yes I do understand how you feel. I love being with you, even though your bullheaded as hell. Maybe ya havn't figured it out yet but Im not just with you cause of your eyes, or your nice ass, or body. I'm with you cause you're you. That means your bad moods and all the bad with the good. And lemmie tell ya. There's a lot of good that I want to horde to myself.

I get it too. I get why you don't want everyone knowing about us. But I only got that now when every girl can't keep their eyes off you.

[x-wither.livejournal.com]

To: [Mine]
From: [Yours]
Subject: YOU'RE everything

It's not like I withheld the information on purpose. It didn't matter to me so it didn't register as something to tell. And I know stuff matters to you that doesn't to me but it's hard to figure out what will and what won't. What do you want me to do, start pouring my heart out all the time? It gets repetitive and probably whiny and I don't even really know how to without just feeling like an ass or a sideshow or something.

Past couple years I haven't had anything important. I've got no home and nothing that was part of that life. All I've got is this stupid place I don't want to be but I've gotta be at because the courts said so. It's not like I keep much of my art, y'know? But, well, I've got you. And you're the only thing I've got that's worth having and that's why I don't talk about us. That's why I'm quiet about it. 'Cause it's mine and it's all I've got that's worth having and I don't want to share it. Not even the parts about it that sucks.

Besides, what they think don't matter. Even if they want to look or fantasize or whatever it is that they're doing (that, still, I'd rather not know about). It's not like they understand. They don't get what it'd be like to try to be with me. They don't really grasp what they'd have to give up. They don't understand that sometimes panic attacks come at really inopportune moments because I freak out about hurting you. It ain't a matter of not being with one of them because I'm with you. I wouldn't be with one of them anyway. 'Cause who else would ever actually be able to handle all the stuff that comes with me? I don't want to be their eye candy but I'm never going to be more than that because I can almost guarantee not a single one of them would be able or willing to deal with all the fine print. You're not just willing to. You want to. I don't think any of them would. I wouldn't be worth the effort to anyone else. I don't really care, though. I've got who I want. Hell, I'll start telling people I'm gay if it'd make you feel better.